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The Marimba/Mr. Esq Letters

Introduction

had a bit of a lull in the Nigerian Bank Scammer emails. I figured it was because they knew the cat was out of the bag. Too many suckers were getting a clue. But then I got hit with three. Actually it's more like two. One was from what I can only suspect is some sort of newly automated bank scamming software. A "Dr. Daniel Ike" sent me the standard email about $30 million in an account, Nigeria being corrupt, yaddie yaddie. At the end of the email "Daniel" states:

 

"NOTE: PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (DI/06/02) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES."

 

Reference number? It's as if this is a letter to your ISP's tech support. Gosh, Mr Icky, I thought you got my personal email from a valued mutual business associate and this was a discreet person-to-person request for assistance, not a high email volume enterprise that requires a reference number to track your, err, clients.

 

The second one came from a fellow with the hilarious name of "Marimba". Oh such possibilities. I emailed him back the standard "OH MY GOD TELL ME HOW I CAN HELP YOU!!!!!!!!" plea. To which he responded:

 

____________________________________________

From: "Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 04 Jul 2002

 

Dear Tony,

 

Thanks for the quick response, this shows you are really ready to help.

 

However, due to certain reasons, I advise you to contact our family attorney on

his direct roaming telephone number for further detail: 234-1-4813278

immediately.

 

His name is Barrister Mark Melford, he shall give you further update.

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: "Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

Date: 05 Jul 2002

 

| Thanks for the quick response, this shows you are really ready to help.

| Thanks.

| from Marimba Nkala

 

Dear Marimba,

 

I'm so glad you responded. I feared when I did not get an immediate reply that the worst had happened.

 

Please, if you will, refresh me as to the details of your situation. In my panic that a fellow human being was in such horrifying danger, I seem to have lost your original email.

 

p.s. Is Marimba your first name? Can I call you Martin instead?

 

 

Marimba quickly handed me over to his lawyer Mark Melford Esq. Yeah.

 

____________________________________________

From: melford_esq@justice.com

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 09 Jul 2002

 

Dear Sir,

 

For your information,You are not helping me rather you are helping yourself and the Nkala family. Please note that it is very important to know your capability of handling a business of this magnitude. We intend to move this fund directly to Europe through a diplomatic company in Ghana and the only country in Europe they have a branch and can deliver the fund via consignment is Amsterdam The Netherland, and it shall be required of you to travel at the point of contact from the officers in Amsterdam once the fund arrives to come for the signing so that the fund be handed over to you.

 

From what I gathered from Marimba, He has sent you a letter, please let me know if you are capable so that I prepare an aggrement for all parties to sign so that I can travel to Ghana for arrangement ASAP.

 

I wait to hear from you.

 

Barr.M.Melford

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: melford_esq@justice.com

Date: 09 Jul 2002

 

| For your information,You are not helping me rather you

| are helping yourself and the Nkala family.

 

Families are a wonderful thing. I had a family once. Do you have a family Mr. Esq? I'd love to have the Nkala family over when this is settled. Do you think they enjoy barbeque? Are they vegetarian? I'm not sure my local Piggly Wiggly grocery store carries many simulated tofu meat products. Anyway, even if they are vegetarian we can find meat products that aren't very meat like that they will enjoy. Possibly Tyson chicken nuggets. They are from Africa, yes? Please confirm. Thanks. What does Nkala mean in African? My last name I think means "mushroom" in whatever European language my forefather's spoke before they were driven out of Europe and forced to take refuge here in America (1793) and then Canada for a while (1822) and then they were let back into America (1899). Are you aware of Canada? Many aren't.

 

| Please note that it is very important to know your

| capability of handling a business of this magnitude.

 

Magnets are involved?

 

| We intend to move this fund directly toEurope througha

| diplomatic company in Ghana and the only country in

| Europe they have a branch and can deliver the fund via

| consignment is Amsterdam The Netherland

 

Amsterdam! You realize in English that name means "Am ster? damn!" Do you speak the German language in Netherland? What is a "ster"?

 

| be required of you to travel at the point of contact

| from the officers in Amsterdam once the fund arrives to

| come for the signing so that the fund be handed over to

| you.

 

Europe! I have long wanted to travel to Europe (to inspect their dog kennels) and I'm most friendly to this arrangement. A single question, if you will. Will I have to pass through France?

 

| From what I gathered from Marimba

 

He's a good chap! (see I'm already talking like a European) Will he let me call him Martin? I asked him this in a previous email but he's failed to get back to me. I feared they "got" him. But now that I know you're on the case, Mr. Esq, I can see Martin (aka Marimba) is in good hands.

 

| prepare an aggrement for all parties to sign so that I

| can travel to Ghana for arrangement ASAP.

| I wait to hear from you.

 

Yes please formalize this agreement while our current synergies allow us to globalizing our mindsets and repurpose the supply-chain (wink wink). I look forward to continuity in this arrangement and your initiating the deal optimization. What's important to me is working with someone who can emphasize innovative stability. But prudence demands we face the veracity: at the end of the day does this scale? I'll look forward to your impactful delivery of this action-item paradigm we've benchmarked. I hope I'm not being too granular.

 

____________________________________________

From: melford_esq@justice.com

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 11 Jul 2002

 

Dear Sir,

 

For your mail,I failed to understand or see the answer to my question of your capabilty of handling this project,at 51yrs,I do not have time to waste. If you are capable,then introduce your self properly instaed of writting like a poet or I 'll have to advice the family to seek help else where.

 

Thank You.

Barr.M.Melford

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: melford_esq@justice.com

Date: 11 Jul 2002

 

My dear Mr. Esq,

 

| instaed of writting like a poet

 

Perhaps I misread the tone of your email but let me state up front that I highly resent the implication I am a poet. I had a son-in-law who was a poet and he cost me a great deal of money. Apparently, to a poet "loan" some how rhymes with "never pay back, get my 17-year-old daughter pregnant, and leave her with two children in a trailer park in Kentucky." Not many poets have ever come out of Kentucky so perhaps I should have been more skeptical from the outset. "The Robert Service of Jessamine County, Kentucky". Why you can't even buy a malamute in Kentucky! Fortunately, he abandoned my daughter after I came into the $2 million I got selling my bowling alley to the Starbucks Corporation. So he was able to procure no more "loans". I've been hoping this nest egg (which now totals $1.7 million after I settled the "incident" with the soccer mom) could be used to aid and amplify the promising fortunes of Martin (aka Marimba), but your latest email gives me pause for thought.

 

| If you are capable,then introduce your self properly

 

I have paid Martin (aka Marimba) and the Nkala family every honor, including inviting them over for a barbeque and offering to search for a grocery store with vegetarian tofu simulated meat products. It's conceivable in Africa a dinner invitation does not carry with it the filial obligations it does here in America. Then again Africa has never won a war or developed nuclear weapons (is India in Africa?) so perhaps, Mr. Esq, Africans do not understand what barbequing entails.

 

In any regard, we are a proud barbequing people, sir, and we (I) do not take kindly to your kind of sniveling implications that I'm a poet or the offerings of my charcoal pit are not worthy of the Nkala family and dear Martin.

 

| I 'll have to advice the family to seek help else where.

 

I question dear Martin's wisdom in retaining you as a lawyer. The first chance I get I shall email him personally and "advice" him to get better counsel. You're rude, sir. I have half a mind to report your insolent behavior to the Justice League of America.

 

| I failed to understand or see the answer to my question

 

You, Mr. Esq, have failed to answer a single one of my questions. Need I remind you it is MY help you seek? At age 58, thrice divorced, I'm not in the business of willy nilly answering a lawyer's questions without having a great number of MY questions answered first.

 

Let me lay them out for you -- again -- and I certainly expect an answer this time.

 

1.      When I travel to Amsterdam to meet Martin (aka Marimba) and the Nkala family will I have to pass through France?

2.      Can I call him Martin?

3.      Is the Nkala family vegetarian?

4.      Does Martin have an unmarried sister aged 18-24? Is she supple? Can I have her email?

5.      Are magnets involved?

6.      Canada. Please explain.

I realize, having been divorced three times, that a lawyer's time is valuable but there is a great deal of money at stake here, including the future of Martin (aka Marimba) and the Nkala family. I should think you could take a moment to answer.

 

Now shall we contextualize this paradigm or shall it forever remain a rubicon of the neosemiotic? My offer of help is not mythopoetical. In much the same way Susan Sontag believes constructivism can modify art, I believe if you can contextually shift your postpatriarchial approach to a truly interpolated "Baudrillardist simulacra" (wink wink), we can resolve this materialist deappropriation without the Lacanist obscurities that have infused and obfuscated the dialectic.

 

Are we in agreement?

 

____________________________________________

From: melford_esq@justice.com

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 12 Jul 2002

 

 

Dear Sir/Ma,

 

From your last me,I do not think we have all the time to waste. If you are ready to work on this project, them inform me. You will be travelling to Amsterdam to sign for the money to be handed over to you by the diplomatic officer incharge once the fund arrives there. This is a very simple thing, please do not let us ague over nothing.I am ready to work with you, Try and call me on my prrivate number 234-1-4813278 or give me your tel number and I will call you.

 

Regards,

 

Barr.M.Melford

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: melford_esq@justice.com

Date: 15 Jul 2002

 

| Dear Sir/Ma,

 

Mr. Esq, first you call me a poet and now you call me "ma". If this is some crack at my manhood, I am yet again further insulted! I should like to punch you in the face, Mr Esq, if this is the case! Explain yourself!

 

| From your last me, I do not think we have all the time

| to waste.

 

Agreed. I have not heard from Martin (aka Marimba) in several days, which I can only take as a sign of great urgency! Because I fear you've been dragging your heels (do they wear shoes in Africa?), I've decided to book a flight to Amsterdam and seek out the Nkala family myself. Your inaction borders on a criminal disregard for the Nkala family's safety, I fear.

 

July 27, I'll be traveling British Airways flight 114 from New York (the city not the state) to London (England). From there I board British Airways flight 434 and arrive in Amsterdam (whatever country that is in) on July 27 1:30 pm.

 

Because I fear secrecy is required in this endeavor, I'm traveling under the name of "Dr. Galakowitz" (pronounced "Galewekitch"). If you would like to meet me at the airport, I have an idea how we can meet.

 

Please prepare a large sign with my assumed name "Galakowitz" printed on it (use the English alphabet not the African alphabet). I will approach the sign holder and say, "Do you have any Grolsch lite in your vehicle?" (Has the advertising industry destroyed the English language in Africa?) And you should then say "Yes". And then I'll say "I am Mr. Galewekitch." Because this is a popular last name in Amsterdam and much of the world, you should then say "You mean Dr. Galewekitch?" I will then confirm by saying:

 

"Yes I am."

 

Please do not be put off by my smug boyish charming appearance at that point.

 

If you miss me at the airport, I've reserved a room from July 27 to August 6 at the AMS Hofpark Hotel (located at Koninginneweg 34-36). I will sign in as Mr. Smith. I'm staying in the Jan Hammer suite.

 

Do you enjoy new age music?

 

I'm bringing with me US$40,000. Do you know of a money exchange in Amsterdam that will give me the best rate?

 

I look forward to meeting you, Mr Esq, on July 26. However, don't be a jerk in real life or I will punch you in the face.

 

____________________________________________

From: melford_esq@justice.com

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 16 Jul 2002

 

Dear Tony,

 

It seems you are not understanding me. If you are really serious about helping out, I shall use the diplomatic company in Ghana move the fund to their office in Amsterdam in a diplomatic consignment and there you shall go to sign for the consigment to be handed over to you but first, I have given you my number and up till now you have not called me. The officials in Amsterdam shall be using your tell number to contact you to inform you that the consignment arrived safely and they shall book appointment with you to come forward for the signing.

 

They shall at your request assist you in putting the money in a bank account that you shall provide pending when the family will come over to meet with you. Call me or give me you tel numbers so that I can call you if you are real. For your information, I am in touch with marimba and his family. You can contact him to find out....

 

Your Sincerely,

 

Barr.M.Melford

 

I let Mr. Esq. sweat for a day. He quickly sent me a second email and his tone seemed a bit more polite. At the very least, he stopped comparing me to a chick.

 

____________________________________________

From: melford_esq@justice.com

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 17 Jul 2002

 

Dear Tony,

 

Still expecting to hear from you. I am willing to move the fund through the company as soo as you show interest and understanding.

 

I hope you are in good health.

 

Your Truly,

 

Barr.M.Melford

 

 

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: melford_esq@justice.com

Date: 17 Jul 2002

 

| company in Ghana move the fund to their office in

| Amsterdam in a diplomatic consignment and there you

| shall go to sign for the consigment to be handed over

 

Exactly. Such is why I'm heading to Amsterdam forthwith with all haste. This is a grand adventure!

 

| to you but first, I have given you my number and up till

| now you have not called me. The officials in Amsterdam

| shall be using your tell number to contact you to

| inform you that the consignment arrived safely and they

| shall book appointment with you to come forward for the

| signing.

 

Better yet, have your representative meet me when my plane arrives. Forward him the information I gave to you regarding flight times and the correct name to put on the sign (i.e., "Galakowitz"). Mr. Esq, I really think this is the best way to handle this.

 

| They shall at your request assist you in putting the

| money in a bank account that you shall provide pending

| when the family will come over to meet with you.

 

Has Martin (aka Marimba) left for Europe yet? I hope to meet him (and his sister... he has a sister yes? Do you have pictures? Does she enjoy beaches in Africa?). I hope you can travel with them. In any regard if you're not available to greet me at the airport I have a friend who used to own a bowling alley in Utrecht ("The Erasmus Bowl 'n' Banter") who should be able to offer me some welcoming assistance. He's quite well connected with the international financial community in Amsterdam and I'd imagine he could help me locate the representatives of the Nkala family.

 

Do you enjoy bowling? Do you enjoy talking about humanism?

 

Only 10 more days til departure. This is so exciting, Mr. Esq!

 

On second thought, I might travel to Finland (the women are very very blonde there and depressed and in need of cheering up) after I wrap up things in Amsterdam with Martin (aka Marimba) and save his family, so I'll likely bring with me US$90,000. My question is, would bringing such a large sum of American cash cause me problems entering Amsterdam or crossing state lines? In America if you're caught carrying large amounts of cash you can be considered a drug dealer. I'm not a drug dealer but I carry a pager and could be confused for one, I'm sure. That and my tempo's hyped and hard. I'm the king pin when the wax spins.

 

Peace out, Mr. Esq! Word to yo' mutha!

 

 

Meanwhile, I've been sending Marimba (aka Martin) back channel emails complaining about his lawyer.

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

Date: 18 Jul 2002

 

Martin, I'm still coming to Amersterdam July 27. I think it's best we cut Mr Esq out of the deal (he's the worst lawyer on the face of the earth) and you and I work this out one on one. What do you say, partner?

 

Marimba was oddly silent until I sent emails suggesting I might unwittingly go blabbing about his scam to the Dutch authorities.

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

Date: 19 Jul 2002

 

Martin your silence is troubling. I'm beginning to suspect your crappy lawyer, Mr. Esq, has taken advantage of you, hidden you in a box, or even killed you (and then hid you in a box). If I don't hear from you by July 24 or you, your sister, Mr. Esq, or someone representing the Nkala family doesn't meet me at the airport July 26, I will know your fate was sealed by that crappy lawyer Mr Esq. I promise you I will then alert the Amsterdam authorities. I have Mr. Esq's phone number and all these emails he's sent me claiming he represents your interests.

 

You will not perish at his hands, I promise you. I will protect you Martin or at least find your real killers. You will not be forgotten Martin and no one will believe you "accidentally" fell out of a helicopter.

 

 

____________________________________________

From: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

To: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

Date: 22 Jul 2002

 

Martin I'm beginning to think Mr. Esq has kidnapped you. If he lets you still read your email, I assure you I will begin my search for you as soon as I arrive in Amsterdam. I have his phone # and knowledge of who he will be dealing with in Amsterdam. I will go straight to the authorities when I'm there if no one meets me at the airport.

 

I will save you Martin.

 

 

Marimba finally responds!

 

____________________________________________

From: Marimba Nkala" <marimba_nkala@earthling.net>

To: "Tony Morrel" <cuteguy9000@hotmail.com>

Date: 23 Jul 2002

 

 

Dear Tony Morrel,

 

First and foremost, I will apologize for the long silence.

 

However, this is due to the illness my mother is going through (Mrs. Cecilia Nkala) I do hope you will understand. Note, he did not kidnapp me (he smiles) I am okay just my mother.

 

Thanks for the mail all this while.

 

Yours.

 

Marimba

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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