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Dr Karl: Loving Chuck





I think this Dr Karl letter was partially based on a friend of ours from high school. I'll call her Cheryl (not her real name). She started dating this guy. One day we thought we'd drop by her convenience store and ask her about her new BF when we saw her coming out of the store with him and getting into her car. The weird thing was, he got in the driver's seat of HER car. Hrm. We knew something was wrong. He had this little cheesy mustache and a mean look, that sort of look like he was scanning the horizon looking for all the people that were out to ruin his life.


As it turned out, our first impressions were right. The guy would write Cheryl a check "Oh say, I just started a new job and my pay hasn't been deposited... if I give you this post-dated check could you give me $300 to tide me over?" She'd go to cash the check and it would bounce. "Oh cripes, I'm so sorry, honey knees, it turns out since I didn't work the full two weeks, they held it over to the next week. Look let me write you a new check to cover the original $300 and do you mind if I make this one out for $1000 and you give me the $700 difference until my pay is deposited at the end of the month? You look so beautiful tonight."


He used this ruse to basically rob Cheryl of about $5,000. Being a student, that was her life savings. Luckily she woke up to his game and reported him to the cops. Turned out she was about the third or fourth person to report him. The other women that reported him were too scared to testify against him. The cops wanted to know if she would be a witness and she said hell ya. Her courage helped a couple other women take the stand too.


Here's the "he should not only have his balls cut off, but they should be fed to him" bit. After he was convicted, he walked by Cheryl, who was sitting with a couple other women he robbed, and he looked at her and said "I really did love you, Cheryl."




DR KARL: Alright we've got a letter in for Dr Karl. Terry?




DR KARL: Oh faithful supplicant. Oh faithful student of my religion.




DR KARL: Did you want to read the letter?




TERRY: This is a letter. It's very real. (Terry reads)


Dear Dr Karl,


I am a woman in love with a man - Chuck. That's not his real name because he monitors the airwaves and his head would become engorged with blood if he knew I was writing to another man, especially a man of the cloth. Anyway, I am in a relationship with Chuck. Again I stress this is NOT his real name, okay? Trust me on this one.


Chuck is 27 years old and he's an investment banker making 4.5 million dollars a year. I work at the McDonald's drive thru for minimum wage. As you can see, he's quite better off financially than I am. Chuck still lives with his parents and spends weekends with me in my hovel. I do all of the cooking, buy all the food, buy all of his Giorgio Armani suits, and make the payments on his Rolex, Porsche, and New York condo.


Never once has Chuck offered to help pay for these debts he incurs. I can just barely make the payments on a good week if I manage to hold up three or four convenience stores. They never have less than $50 in the till, despite what the sticker on the cash register says. It's usually closer to $5,000.


The big problem is the groceries. They're pretty expensive these days, you know. Once in a blue moon Chuck takes me out to dinner. When we get the bill, Chuck pulls out the $2,000 IBM laptop computer I got him for his birthday (on which I'm still making payments), calls up a spreadsheet program, figures out my share, and says "That will be --"


When I bend down to get my purse, Chuck bolts from the table, hops in his Porsche and speeds off, disappearing for several weeks. I'm forced to do dishes for the rest of the night because Chuck has ordered 8 $30 lobster dinners, eaten half of one, and placed the other 7 and a half in a doggy bag.


At first I thought all of this was Chuck's way of telling me he loves me and respects my self-sufficiency, being I'm an independent woman. But lately I'm beginning to think Chuck is a cheapskate who has been using me! Anyway, Dr Karl, I'd like your opinion on this situation because we're to be married soon and I'll have to start saving money for the wedding in Monaco. Is Chuck cheap or is that my endless love for him causes me to be too critical?


Sign me


Frustrated but Deeply in Love


Oh, PS, I almost forgot because it seems so silly. After consulting with three of his ex-wives who are still alive, though one could only drool long for "yes" and drool short for "no", I've discovered Chuck has a violent past! This came to light when I met one of his ex-wives in a restaurant. We got to talking and I started feeding her because her arms had been lost in a motorcycle accident or something. She told me Chuck has a short temper. When I confronted Chuck with this, he picked up a heavy iron hat stand and beat me within a centimeter of my life. Well, a couple months later when I regained the use of my sight and my upper body, Chuck came by the drive-thru and apologized and promised he'd never do it again. So do you think he's telling the truth, Dr Karl? Because I really think my love has changed him. Anyway, please answer quick because my OHIP runs out next week.



DR KARL: Hrm. What was her pseudonym?


TERRY: Frustrated but Deeply in Love


DR KARL: Well, Frustrated, it's letters like this that I think are the best argument why priests and ministers should not have to remain celibate. Because how is a man who has never known the love of a woman to give marital advice to people when I'm being forced into celibacy?


TERRY: You are?


DR KARL: (lowers voice) Technically.




DR KARL: I can only go on what the bible says, and that says accept whatever advice your man heaps on to you. Sorry.


TERRY: Well, it also says something about Christian charity.


DR KARL: That was based on a bad Greek translation.


TERRY: You shouldn't just be nice to people?


DR KARL: No. You have to accept whatever abuse people heap on to you. You can't get any more fundamental than that.


TERRY: I see now. That's why I'm just your mindless acolyte.


DR KARL: Right.




* * *


Dr Karl Theme
Sung to a simple 3-chord, C-F-G blues progression
Words by Karl Mamer, vocals by Terry Brown

He's the man with the golden cure
He's the man with the right answer
He's the man with it all in hand

He's in the medical game
And you know him by name
So call out when in pain

Dr Karl
Dr Karl
The one for me
Dr Karl
Dr Karl
Dr Kar-el

Absolve me Dr Karl!
You are a healer.

* * *

Dr Karl Closing Theme
Sung to a simple 3-chord, C-F-G blues progression
Words and Vocals by Terry Brown

You've heard him cure the sick
He knows what makes you tick
So for sure it's no trick

He charges no fee
So take it from me
It's absolutely free

Dr Karl
Absolves your sin
Dr Karl
Without medicine

Dr Karl
Dr Karl
Dr Kar-el

Send you letters to CJAM
And be healed




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