************************************************************** * * * CYBERSPACE * * A biweekly column on net culture appearing * * in the Toronto Sunday Sun * * * * Copyright 1999 Karl Mamer * * Free for online distribution * * All Rights Reserved * * Direct comments and questions to: * * * * * ************************************************************** I love jokes from the sad-but-true category. For instance, what's the difference between bonds and men? Bonds mature. I'm convinced most of the world's evil can be explained by the fact that the average male goes from his mother's care to his wife's care without ever taking time to learn basic skills like ironing or making spaghetti sauce from scratch. Fearing one day my finger might be on the nuclear trigger, at the tender age of twenty-five, I abandoned an idyllic home life to discover the rational behind those why-am-I-talking-to-the- walls? things like hanging up pants after use (less wrinkles means they're easier to iron), the advantage of pre-sorting dirty laundry (small initial expenditures of time save larger expenditures searching for enough whites to make a load), and the difference between twin and double sheets (still don't know). In the process of self-discovery, I found housekeeping and techno-geek pursuits share similar pleasures. The latest IBM Thinkpad and a Danish garlic press are both joys to behold. Getting two bars of Lever soap for $1.39 or a 16-meg SIMM for $139 instills a sense of shrewdness. A computer warehouse sale and a houseware department sale both whip up a whip-out-the- credit-card excitement. Despite these pleasures, it's hard for males to maintain allusions of being all-powerful killers while inquiring about the benefits of using fabric softener during the rinse cycle. Given the choice between a hasty marriage and getting beaten with wet towels that lack downy softness, most choose the former. It doesn't have to be that way! The web lets you discreetly discover many housekeeping secrets without putting your machismo at risk. Barb's Laundry Tips (www.cyberzone.on.ca/barbs/tips.htm) is a good place to start. You'll find basics (like don't throw your new red sweatshirt into a load of whites), stain removal techniques, and advanced discussions on lint-attractors versus lint-producers. After washing you need to iron ... properly. I've ironed many things that end up even more wrinkled. Collared shirts are tricky but an animated tutorial at www.learn2.com gives you some pointers. If you love those ultra-clever tips featured on Citytv's Cityline Home Day edition, like how to turn a bleach bottle into a particle accelerator, you'll find an archive of similar projects at www.housenet.com. For a project you'll never see on Cityline go to tdg.uoguelph.ca/~peak/issues/22/ish4/pizzabox.html. An undoctored photo proves you can turn used pizza boxes into furniture. You can avoid expensive take-out food and the temptation of turning pizza boxes into anything but trash by learning to cook. My favorite recipe site is the Recipe Archive Index at www.cs.cmu.edu/~mjw/recipes. If you find yourself botching a lot of food, visit the Internet Chef at www.ichef.com. The page offers advice on "repairing" (their term not mine!) everything from asparagus to zucchini.