************************************************************** * * * CYBERSPACE * * A biweekly column on net culture appearing * * in the Toronto Sunday Sun * * * * Copyright 1999 Karl Mamer * * Free for online distribution * * All Rights Reserved * * Direct comments and questions to: * * * * * ************************************************************** The name is the message It's a common myth that net.news' alt hierarchy is intended for "alternative" (i.e. non-mainstream) topics. While a read through a list of alt group names seems to support this view, it's not quite what the hierarchy was intended for. To create a group in USENET's "big seven" (e.g. sci.*, soc.*, etc.) there's a rigged voting process involved. The alt hierarchy was contrived simply as an alternative to USENET's formal creation process. Theoretically anyone can create an alt group without a vote. I say theoretically because one still needs access to a newsgroup called "control" to push through a cryptic command that produces the new group. Since control can also be used to issue commands that delete the messages of other users, not too many ISPs give Joe User access. If they did, there would probably end up being as many alt groups as there are web pages. Still, enough users have access to control that a half dozen new alt groups seem to spring into existence every day. As it stands, one of my ISPs (if you work in the software industry you collect net accounts like you collect keys) carries over 4000 alt groups. Sometimes when I'm bored (that's not too often now that I've ended my tenure as the only single, employed, university- educated, Gen-X male in Toronto without cable TV) I like to scan through my newsreader's newsrc file (the 250K+ file that holds a list of valid newgroups) and look for patterns in the alt groups. While the majority, like alt.conspiracy or alt.alien.visitors, have a purpose, the ones I'm most interested in are the groups without an obvious purpose, like alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk or alt.fan.dan-quayle. These are joke groups. A joke group isn't supposed to carry messages. It is the message. One of the first joke group created was alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork. Verb tripling is an old bit of hacker word play. The swedish chef group (you know, like the swedish chef from the _Muppet Show_) set the alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb. pattern for future joke groups. The alt hierarchy is now littered with them, most in tribute to the pop pariahs of the day. Alt.fan.tonya- harding.whack.whack.whack and alt.fan.oj-simpson.die.die.die bear testimony. The best joke groups are those that don't appeal to the ire of the moment but offer a clever take on net life. Lonely male newbies have a tendency to email any user with a female- sounding name the moronically rhetorical question "are you cute?" How would you answer such a question? Two alt groups point the way. If you scan down your newsrc file, you'll find a newsgroup called alt.hi.are.you.cute which is immediately followed by alt.hi.im.a.babe. For reasons I don't fully comprehend, I'm drawn to groups that appear to be cries for help. Alt.parents.analretentive.insane, alt.my.crummy.boss, and alt.finals.suicide are just a few of my favorites. Sometimes just the order of seemingly unrelated groups makes you wonder if syncronicity has not been built into the net's computational matrix. Is it a mere coincidence that alt.clueless is followed by alt.cobol, a group devoted to a brain-dead computer language?