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Under the Breath Guy





SOUND EFFECT: Car door opening and closing.

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Hello dear, you're a bit early to pick me up. But no problem. I was ready.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) That's good. That's good. (Switches to gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh ready? She's always ready to make my life a living hell. I'm a measly five minutes early and I'm not going to hear the end of it tonight. Like she expects me to be Einstein and time is all relative to me. Forget it. She's not going to ruin tonight by harping on a single mistake like coming to pick her up --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) What's that dear?

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Nothing. Nothing. Just wondering what movie we decided to go see tonight? (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh, like WE decided. Like we decide not to go see Rambo III every time we go out. She decides! I got no choice! Like I got no choice in a relationship! Talk about reverse discrimination. Oh she's been listening to her friends again. (mimics whiney girl voice) That boyfriend of yours! (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Bah! Who's it going to be, woman? Me or some friends that happen not to like me!

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Well, why don't we see a Fish Called Wanda. You like Monty Python, right?

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh. Ha ha. Oh yeah, I love Monty Python. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Yeah right, like I'm supposed to understand humor written by an island nation. I don't even understand what they're saying. Like they talk on the left side of their mouths or something. Bunch of backwards go no where people turn out some movie and I'm supposed to take my woman to it and pretend to enjoy myself because she's enjoying it. Oh no! And who's going to get an ear full when she sees Jamie Lee Curtis take off her top. Me! That's who. Like (mimics whiney girl voice) Why don't I have a body like hers? You just like me for my mind. You think I'm ugly. Look at my thighs --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Did you say something, dear?

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Uhhhh where is the movie playing, dear.

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Downtown I think.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) That's great. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Yeah that's just dandy. Just the place to ditch me for her friends that don't like me. I can see it now. She probably called them ahead of time to wait outside the theater. Her first trip to the bathroom, it's a one way trip to guyville with her friends. Why do I put up with this infidelity? I'm going to have to show her. She's not the only one who can swing in this relationship. Next party I'm picking up the first drunk babe to collapse in front of me and then I'll show her --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) The theater is just a few blocks away. You might want to find street parking up at the left.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh, okay. Thanks for pointing that out, dear. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Yeah, thanks for nothing. As if I don't get tired of her ordering me around like I'm some sort of lap dog to do her bidding and please her. Like I haven't had enough ordering around from my parents and my parole officer. I get it from my girlfriend now too. If she wasn't wearing a black dress I'd tell her to get out of the car right now and I'd go meet my buds at Charlie's Tavern and I tell you we'd have a good time like he had in the old days before they got families and real jobs and careers, all just to PISS ME OFF --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh look there's a spot. Right between the Pontiac and the Honda.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh, yeah. I think I can get in that very small space. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh right, like I'm going to be able to thread my '74 Buick between those two cars. What she think? I spend my day parallel parking or something? Like I been doing this since I was 13? Like I've been genetically engineered to do parallel parking? If there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who tells me how to drive. If women were such good drivers why isn't a woman running Chrysler? If I didn't know how to actually meet women, I'd tell this one that me and her are history. I don't be need to be dating some broad that's thinking she's smarter than me. I don't need some woman to be telling me how to run my life or how to park -- (pleasant, surprised voice) I should be able to get in there dear!

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Ohhhh you did that well. I always have a hard time with parking.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) It was no problem. Takes a bit of practice and patience.

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Practice makes perfect!

BOYFRIEND: (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh there she goes again. Harping on why I'm not her ideal man. (mimics whiney girl voice) Why do you always take me to shoot pool on Saturday nights? (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Hey listen, babe. I know some women that would be damn glad to get out of the house and shoot some pool with a guy like me. Oh I just get saddled with the one woman in the world that doesn't crave some excitement. Christ sakes she makes me sell my Harley and buy a car because she doesn't like me taking her places on the back of my bike in the winter. (mimics whiney girl voice) It's too cold. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh like I don't got what it takes to warm you up, babe. A bit of the old ba-boom with The Duke here would get her pretty hot if she didn't keep burying her nails into my face every time I grab at her fun bags. Like I don't got no rights. She's just frigid.

SOUND EFFECT: Car door opening and closing. Heals on pavement.

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh you get out of the car and that heat just hits you. It's hot.

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) It sure is. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Oh she's hot? Teasing me that's what she's doing. She thinks if I think she's going to be generous with the goods tonight I'm going to spring for the movie and all drinks. Oh like she doesn't have her own money. (mimics whiney girl voice) Buy me this. Buy me that. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) Women is all alike. They got their hands in your pocket all the time. Who does she think I am? She's dating me only so I can open my wallet every time she's bored. Why isn't she dating Donald Trump for christ sakes? I got to save my money for my defense lawyer and my appeal. Doesn't she know that? Doesn't she? She would if told her --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) I didn't catch that dear?

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Why don't we cross here, dear. The light is green. Then we won't have to wait for a light closer to the theater. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) And then we don't have to walk by the jewelry store! Oh I know her plan. She does it all the time. She walks me by those places with all the rings in the window. (mimics whiney girl voice) What pretty things! (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) She's hinting. Oh she's hinting. It's that commitment thing she's after. Hounding me. Hounding me! She's looking to get married, get away from some bad home life. She wants to escape from the dull suburbs, living in that big lonely house with her parents and the pool and the riding stables to live with me in my swinging inner city basement apartment and then to have a baby and then divorce me and I'll have to pay for her way the rest of my life. Well, no way, babe, no way, no woman has yet managed to cramp my style, even if it means dropping this one like a hot potato and forcing me to crash high school dances to meet another woman. I'll do it. I'LL DO IT --

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Honey! Honey! What are you saying?

BOYFRIEND: (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) What? What? (quickly changes back to pleasant voice) I mean what, dear.

GIRLFRIEND: (pleasant voice) I said the film is my treat. You always pay. I'll pay tonight. What was this "I'll do it! I'll do it!" stuff?

BOYFRIEND: (pleasant voice) Oh, I said "Don't do it. Don't do it!" I'll pay. (Gravely, miserable "under his breath" internal voice) What did I tell you. She rooks me into laying out my hard earned scratch again. I could be bettin' this in the pool hall now. But I'm standing here with this babe that wants to take it all from me... (FADE OUT ON) grumble grumble grumble grumble ...




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