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Lost Opera about Windsor Pizza





This is all I can reconstruct from notes. Back in the late '80s a number of American pizza chains moved into Windsor. Life in Windsor had few advantages, but one of them was the quality pizza served up by a number of authentic Italian restaurants. I've never found pizza as good as pizza made by mom-and-pop joints in Windsor. There was some anxiety as to what effect American chains like Dominoes and Little Caesars would have. In parody of this, I wrote a Five Act poetic opera. Basically, the plot goes something like Elvis wants to live again. He strikes a deal with the god Ramtha that if he can bring Ramtha an authentic Windsor pizza and slay the Dominoes' Noid beast, he'll let Elvis live again. Anyway, these are the few bits I was able to find:


Act I





Hear me Ramtha

I am Elvis

I'm fat and old

And I'm really pissed


Some say I'm dead

Some say I live

The answer to this

I shall not give


Until I regain my youth

For I've searched far and wide

Tell me now, Ramtha

Tell me, where does it hide?




(storm sounds)




Elvis you call me

Ramtha of old

Your question I will answer

But I need cash, hard and cold





Master of wisdom

Why it I money that you need?

I thought freedom and enlightenment

Was your creed





Don't be a jerk

This is a business, King

You don't work for peanuts

When you sing


So allow me this scam

This new age shell game

If I worked for free

Would I have all this fame?





You speak the truth

You are very wise

And I've always thought

You were a product of Shirley's lies





I'm lad you catch on

And see the light

I'd hate to have to drag this through

A bitter court fight


To regain your lost youth

And a head full of hair

For you alone

This secret I will share


In the Land of snicker snack loo

Where the liggy ponds did grue

Snake lo a sloppy slap pie

And then we'll slay the beat of a rumor

That you did die





Shit, Ramtha, you know

I've never been a great lyricist

So please give me that last bit

In just plain English





The ancients speak

Of a city of lore

A city under a dark and evil spell

A city called Wind-sore


It has been said

They were the pizza capital

But then the chain restaurants moved in

And now their pie is lamentable


So seek out that city

Slay the Dominoes beast

Then find the ultimate pizza

So on it I might feast


Do all this

Brave but fat one

And I will restore you your youth

My greasy bloated son





Thank you much Ramtha

But where do I look

For Windsor of fable

For Windsor of fairy tale book?





Walk the road

Of the rising and setting sun

It is known on maps

As the four-oh-one


To aid you on your quest

Here is a crystal of power

Use it well

During your need of the hour





But it's a hunk of cut glass

How could this be of arcane might?

How could this aid me

In my low grade pizza fight?





Look, just bugger off

I've answered enough

Maybe you should have queried such

When your doctor was prescribing you stuff



Act II


(several pages lost… from context appears Elvis has encountered an American looking for a Windsor strip club)



From that place I came

But it seems I lost my way


To Toronto I drove

Two hundred miles or more

Then realizing

I was no where near Studio 54


So around I turned

To the west my destiny lay

But this time I shall stop

And ask a gas attendant the way


So Elvis or Hitler's brain

With me do you travel this eve

Or on the roadside

Should you I leave?





Well wait now

Your offer I cannot pass

Even if I have to sit

And watch some French lass


So off we go

Surely Windsor bound

To slay the Dominoes beat

Where ever it might be found






(several pages lost



Elvis (hic) old Pal

Have a beer or eight

These Canadian brews

Are truly great (hic)


And look at the dancer

Her art is right on

What grand poetry

She performs on a milk carton





American compatriot

I must bid you adieu

For although this has been fun

My quest must start anew





What is it you search for?

Money, power, or fame?

Do you wish the world

To know your name?





I search not for those

For I am the great Elvis

I have found money and fame

With my pelvis


I tell you I would trade




Act IV


(Heavy metal is playing out of a ghetto blaster. We see two kids)


Kid 1

Spike my heavy metal friend

Does not this tape get old?

We need to buy a new cassette

But I have no money in my billfold




Kid 2

It would be good to listen

To a new heavy metal group

So let us jump some guy

And his wallet we will scoop




Kid 1

This then be our mark

When he passes the alley way

We will surround him

And make him dearly pay


One, two, three

Now in front of him jump!

Okay funny old man

Hand over that wallet in your rump





Young ruffians!

What is it that you want

Do you wish to make me sport

To dance about and taunt?




Kid 2

We want your money

Give it to us quick

You greasy poorly dressed

Memphis country hick


Your day's wage

Will buy us rock music

To play in our ghetto blaster

So hand it over, you dick





Do you not recognize me my young subjects?

I am the king of your rock tunes

So give me my way

Or I will make you my court buffoons




Kid 1

Lets stick him now

And lets leave him in a trash bin

Lest he calls for the cops

By raising a din




Kid 2

But wait, Spike

Don't be so quick to see his blood ooze

I did read Elvis was alive

In the World Weekly News


If he really is the king

The king of rock and roll

He could give us something better

Then a life on the dole





I have returned

To the world of the living

To slay the Dominoes pizza beast

And find a pie worth giving


I say help me

You young nimmers

And I will bestow upon you

Rock music up to your brimmers




Kid 1

The great Dominoes beats

Has himself a powerful protector

A phalanx of coupons, thirty minute guarantees

All backed by the corporate sector




Kid 2

The demon of low grade pizza

Goes by the name of Noid

But he is so powerful

Even the heroic avoid


But at the gates of the Golden Arches

Where the angels fear to tread

We will not go

Into the caves of melted cheese on bread





Your noble offer

Is one I cannot refuse

So onward we go

To battle this pizza ruse





Act V



Kid 1

Elvis, we've traveled far

And we are now at the arches of gold

Beyond them is where

Dominoes pizza is made and sold




Kid 2

We bid you farewell

And thanks for the truck load of Bon Jovi

The dude is without a doubt

Totally groovy





I go now boys

To face my kismet

To reclaim Windsor's pizza heritage

Lest people forget




(musical interlude)




Lo I have come upon a cave and a sign

"Go back you face doom

Lest a pizza delivery job

Be yours real soon"


This must be the cave

Of Melted cheese on bread

Just like the two

Heavy metal boys said


I heed not this sign

For I have no fear

Of a dead end job

Without joy or cheer


I shall sally downward

Into the Dominoes beast's lair

Into the bowels of this place

Where I hope to find him there




(musical interlude then a lot of screeching on the bass to announce the arrival of the creature)




Elvis I have been waiting for you

For a long time

You will not be able to resist my pizza

And you will be mine



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