Home | WLH | Conversations with a Nigerian Bank Scammer


Mayor Returns from His Honeymoon





KARL: Isn't the mayor coming by today?


TERRY: No, he's here.


KARL: Oh. Is he here?


TERRY: Yes. We just haven't announced he's here because we've had so much material.


KARL: About time. Every week he keeps calling us up, wanting to know what we're doing. And I'm like "I thought you were going to bring us some souvenirs from your honeymoon". He kept putting it off but he promised us this week he would come by with some gifts.


TERRY: It's not his fault. There was the election. You've been away and he just got back as well. He didn't want to bring them in while you weren't here, Karl. Don't be so hard on him.


KARL: I guess you're right.


TERRY: I'll get him in here right now. I hope he wasn't listening in on the monitor outside. Because I want the big sombrero.


(Sound of door opening and closing)


KARL: Come on in, mayor.


(Sound of mayor smoking)


KARL: Mayor, did you see that picture of you in The Windsor Star.


MAYOR: I saw that one.


KARL: Were you're playing Batman with the chain of office?


MAYOR: That mayoral chain I wear, when I was pulling it off or putting it on and when it was covering my eyes they snapped a picture and put it on the front page. I looked like the Green Hornet.


KARL: Yeah. Not so attractive. It was kind of The Windsor Star's version of a revenge killing.


MAYOR: I suppose.


KARL: You did take them to task --


MAYOR: -- can I lower the microphone? You don't have the orange crate in front of the mike for me to stand on like you normally do.


KARL: Yeah, sure. As I was saying, you really roasted the Star for canceling Orson's Place. So I think they published that photo to get back at you.


MAYOR: Yeah. Power of the press. What can you do?


KARL: I see you've got a big bag of stuff. Maybe some Piņatas?


MAYOR: I got this bag. Don't mind that it's a Sears bag. I had a bunch of different little bags with souvenirs in it so I just heaped them all in one big bag.


KARL: No problem. It's souvenirs from another country. That's what's important.


MAYOR: Yes. Japan and Taiwan mostly. But exported to Caribbean countries and then sold to people like me. Honeymooners. Ha ha. I got married. Did you hear about that?


KARL: Yes. We didn't get invited to the wedding. We were a bit insulted.


MAYOR: We wanted to keep it a secret. You guys are part of the media.


KARL: That was it? I thought we would cause tension with your ex-wife there. There would have been a problem with seating arrangements.


MAYOR: Yeah. You guys would have had to sit on one side and then everyone would have had to sit on the other side. It would have been terrible. And I'll never forget how drunk Halberstadt got at my first wedding.


KARL: Mayor. (Impatient) I want my gifts!


MAYOR: Right. Let's see what I got here. (rustling bag) Here's a tshirt I got you.


KARL: What's it say?


TERRY: Here. Let me read it. Do I get one too?


MAYOR: Yeah. I got you the same. It was on sale. Two for one.


TERRY: It says here "The Mayor went to the Bahamas and all I got was this stinking tshirt". Oh that's a twist.


MAYOR: Yep. You know these souvenirs were really cheap. Especially after that hurricane they had a couple weeks ago.


KARL: I did notice some of the stuff looked like it had a bit of water damage.


MAYOR: That's why it was so cheap. We got there a couple hours after the winds died down.


KARL: This tshirt looks like its got a bullet hole in it. You didn't go to Haiti, did you?


MAYOR: No no. That's a cigarette hole. I accidentally butted out a cigarette on it in my hotel room.


KARL: So you didn't try to vote in Haiti or nothing?


MAYOR: No, I didn't. I did try to find that guy that writes Herman. Jim Unger. I couldn't find him anywhere.


KARL: Are the tshirts the only thing you got us?


MAYOR: No no. Here. (rustling of bag) Here's some ashtrays --


KARL: -- Thank you --


MAYOR: -- with the name of my hotel on them. Some towels. Some soap. A bible. Ah I got one at home. A lamp. Let's see. A remote control for a television. Some pillows. Let's see what else. A shower curtain. And ah here's a dinner jacket that our waiter was wearing. It doesn't fit me so I'll let you guys have it.


KARL: Thank you.


MAYOR: (hacking cough) Yeah. The television wouldn't fit in the suitcase. Oh but I did get some shells.


KARL: Ah. That's a ... what kind of shell is that? Not a conch shell?


MAYOR: Yeah. I think. See how the loops of the chambers sort of spells out "NASA Challenger"?


TERRY: Yeah that's neat but it's kind of dirty. There's something in side it. Is that sand?


KARL: It looks like bone and human hair.


MAYOR: Yeah. I dunno. I didn't actually find it on a beach. I bought it from some guy who said it washed up onto shore one day.


KARL: Here let me listen to it. Hmmm. That's unusual. Normally you can hear the sound of the ocean but I hear screams.


Phantom Voice: Houston, Houston we're going down!


MAYOR: Oh yeah, I also brought you boys some literature. I had to put it under my shirt. Here you go. They are, err, baseball books. Don't tell your mother about them.


KARL: Eesh. Did you have a hard time getting all this stuff through customs?


MAYOR: What do you mean?


TERRY: Well, there's this magazine... Leather Love. Are you sure you're allowed to bring this kind of material into Canada?


MAYOR: Sure. There's an article about economics. I'm an accountant. It's in there. At the back. Something about send us a stamp we'll enrich your life.


TERRY: I noticed, mayor, you're smoking a different brand of cigarette now. It smells kind of funny.


MAYOR: I bought some native smokes from this raspa... rastuf... rastafa...


TERRY: Rastafarian?


MAYOR: That guy. You've met him too, eh?


TERRY: Yeah. I think at a concert once.


MAYOR: I ran out of smokes down there and they didn't sell my brand. This guy said "Mon, I sell you some smoke, mon." He sold me these hand rolled smokes. That's what I do sometimes at home, hand roll them because they're cheaper. I hand roll them by the dozen. When you smoke as much as I do you save a lot. But I didn't think these would be any good because he didn't use a machine. They're just crudely twisted paper. But they're good. I've been smoking them for a couple weeks now. (lowers town of voice) Man, it's like the whole last two weeks have gone by in a purple haze.


KARL: Suddenly your whole mayoralship means something.


MAYOR: Yeah, I realize now that I was right to take the relaxed route.


KARL: It was a mellow mayoralship.


MAYOR: I think so and it's going to be a lot mellower once I get through all of these cigarettes. (tokes deeply) Ah. Groovy man. I see we're running out of time but let me just say one thing I didn't like about my vacation, you guys told me if I go to the Caribbean I have to see the Mona Lisa. But I looked through every art gallery I could find and I couldn't find it.


KARL: It's a very small painting. It's not as big as you think it is.


MAYOR: I went around and asked people "esta la Mona Lisa?" Or something like that. I was using my Belle River French. Every time I said that, some guy would keep bringing me up this fifteen year old girl and he'd say "oh yes she moan a lisa real good. Ten bucks." I didn't get it.


KARL: Some kind of tour guide I think.


(fade up closing theme music)



Home | WLH | Conversations with a Nigerian Bank Scammer