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Show Opening





(cue theme music, fade down)


KARL: It's Saturday 1 pm you're tuned to White Label Humour the radio show. I'm your host Karl Mamer and sitting behind me is the digital -- and I didn't realize you thought of this as some kind of insult -- the digital Terry Brown.


TERRY: Not as some kind of insult. Just as some kind of jokey type thing.


KARL: Yeah, but you went and did a story about it for your creative writing class and you used my name several times.


TERRY: "That bastard Karl!"


KARL: Anyway, I assure you the Digital Terry Brown is here. You had some plans --


(Terry makes beeping sounds in the background.)


KARL: -- you had some plans for this evening but they were cancelled again, weren't they?


TERRY: Yeah. I had it set up so this woman, huh didn't even have to correct myself, was going to come down from London --


KARL: -- all the way from London.


TERRY: Right. Sunny London, spend the whole weekend in my bedroom ... bottles of wine, hunks of cheese --


KARL: -- And what would you two be doing?


TERRY: Typing out her school work report!


KARL: Oh! You devil. But she backed out on you, again.


TERRY: Yes. Again.


KARL: And what was her flimsy excuse?


TERRY: I dunno. Something about a brain hemorrhage.


KARL: Nuclear war, wasn't it?


TERRY: Right. Nuclear war.


KARL: She needs to spend the weekend digging a trench and putting some doors and earth over it.


TERRY: Alas.


KARL: So you're free and available this weekend?


TERRY: Yeah.


KARL: And you've had all this free time. Miles and miles of free time and what aren't you able to complete?


TERRY: What?


KARL: This month's Elviscope!


TERRY: Why is that?


KARL: Because it had too many of my ideas in it!


TERRY: Yeah, that's it.


KARL: So you thought "let him wait a bit and maybe he'll forget"?


TERRY: Okay, before you slander my name, let me tell you the real reason. We went out last night. We wrote a bit of Elviscope. I was going to go home and channel and find out the predictions. Like we write the introduction and then I channel and get the predictions from Elvis. And so, we wrote the introduction. It was a laborious task because Karl of course just decided he wanted his unfunny comments in again.


KARL: Yeah.


TERRY: Now he watches to see if I write them down. I used to be able to trick Karl and pretend I was writing them down. Now I can't anymore. So I went home. I'm sitting there with the candles burning in the middle of the silver pentagram. Silver pentagrams are good ones. The red ones are the evil ones. I'm not practicing any black magic.


KARL: Don't write in any letters.


TERRY: And don't call my grandmother! So, I'm sitting there channeling, right?


KARL: Right.


TERRY: But then I get this call. On the phone, right? Which is not what I'm expecting.


KARL: It was unusual.


TERRY: Yes. Unexpected. So it was the mayor on the phone.


KARL: The former mayor.


TERRY: Right. Former mayor.


KARL: Although he does go by the title "Mayor" still.


TERRY: Yes or Mayor in Exile.


KARL: Right.


TERRY: So it's three in the morning and he says he wants to come over. I guess he had his first marital spat with his new wife. This was his second marriage. He was upset and he wanted to come over. Although he said he had written another one of his genre novels. You know where he writes the first chapter and the last chapter and if the movie rights get picked up he writes all the other chapters. So, he said he wanted to read it on this week's show. And I said "no no I want to read it first this time." He comes over and his new novel is awful. It's really bad. We stayed up all night cleaning it up as best we could. We opened up a bottle of wine and he starts telling me about his marital problems. He's got a two car garage and which side of the garage does his car go on, and she why won't she stay on her side of the garage? It was so petty, I couldn't believe it. I sent him home about 8 in the morning. I was too tired to go back and channel. At least that's one thing. The mayor is going to come in later and read off his story. But don't tell him I said it was awful. I did my best.


KARL: What's it about?


TERRY: It's a really, really sappy civil war thing--


KARL: Right.


TERRY: Romance--


KARL: Right.


TERRY: Adventure--


KARL: Right.


TERRY: Novel.


KARL: Right.


TERRY: So you're criticizing me and I was performing a kind, humanitarian sensitive type of being act last night.


KARL: That's true. I'm sorry.


TERRY: You're dirt, Karl.




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