Play Home Page | About | Act II

The Man 2 Dialogs: Dating Explained in 3 Acts s




MAN 2             A man in his mid-30s.

MAN 1             A Caucasian man in his early 30s.

WOMAN 1       A Korean woman in her late 20s. Professional in appearance.

WOMAN 2       A woman in her early 20s.

MICHAEL        A reasonably attractive, yet carelessly dressed computer programmer.

TINA                A woman in her 20s with a visible head injury and an eye patch.


All scenes take place in a bar.

* * *

Act I

MAN 2 sits at bar, he has a drink in front of him. To his right sits MAN 1. To his left sits WOMAN 1. The play opens with a spot light on MAN 2 and MAN 1. WOMAN 1 is in the dark.

MAN 1             [motions to woman in audience] She's cute. Think I should approach her?

MAN 2             Do you see a ring?

MAN 1             No.

MAN 2             [shakes head] Better not then.

MAN 1             Huh?

MAN 2             These women if they're still single after the age of 25 most of 'em are bi polar. Crazy! You know? I don't blame them entirely. They've been so screwed over by guys since the age of 14 that by the time you get to them they're total whack jobs. Yeah, the bad boys have all the fun when we're younger and then they leave us with these spent emotional husks when we get older. A woman's mistake early on is thinking because you were so nice to her, all men are going to be equally nice to her, including that guy over there with the boot knife. So she runs off with Mr Boot Knife, he kicks her around for several years, tells her she's ugly, fat, stupid, and her tits are too small, cancels dates on her so he can hang out with his buddies at a strip bar, and then he dumps her for a 19-year-old stripper or gets his second cousin pregnant.

Of course, forget about her ever trying to fix you up with one of her friends who is also looking for "a nice guy". Cause, if you and her friend hit it off, she doesn't have you to fall back on. No shoulder to cry on or someone to bring her flowers when she's hospitalized because Mr Boot Knife's Camero stalled out on some train tracks and he didn't bother to stick around to help her get out of the car before the train hit. Most women say they're looking for a nice guy but once a woman meets a nice guy she doesn't believe she's actually met one. After her experience with Mr Boot Knife, she thinks Mr Nice Guy has something so devious planned for her that he's playing the perfect man to set her up for a huge emotional soul crushing fall. So she'll drive the guy off long before he can even get to first base by trying to crush his ego every moment she's with him or being a huge bitch. Or she'll sleep with his best friend. They've got their ways.

But I mean good luck even getting up to bat, let alone getting a chance at first base. See, the thing is these women won't even look at you unless you're at least as good looking as Harrison Ford and have more money than Bill Gates. Not that they'll ever earn half of what you make or spend half the time at the gym you do taking care of yourself. Even if you have movie star looks and money, well, that might get you a coffee date. Actually these women are so on edge you can count yourself lucky if you approach a woman and only get shot down and not a face full of pepper spray. Of course, as a nice guy, the last thing you'll ever do is approach a woman. I mean yeah they bitch all the time [does whiney woman voice] "only losers try to pick me up! Where are all the nice guys?" and yet they make it seem like the very act of approaching them is a violation of their friggen human rights.

[does whiney woman voice] "I can barely step out my door without a crowd of men six deep asking me for my phone number, whine whine..."

So as a nice guy you respect their space and of course they never ever meet you. If you manage to negotiate this ever changing minefield and actually begin to do boyfriend/girlfriend like things, you're in for a whole new kettle of crap. If you pay too much attention to her, you're "clingy" and then she pulls away. If you try to respect her space, she thinks you don't like her and then she pulls away.

MAN 1             Yeah, better not approach her. Thank god for the Internet.

MAN 2             Yeah, thank god for the Internet.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       Why can't I meet a nice guy?

MAN 2             You don't want a nice guy.

WOMAN 1       Yes I do.

MAN 2             Oh no you don't.

WOMAN 1       Oh yes I do.

MAN 2             What about Steve? He was a nice guy.

WOMAN 1       Yeah, he was really nice.

MAN 2             So what happened?

WOMAN 1       [Waffles some what] Of course, he was very nice --

MAN 2             Yes. Nice.

WOMAN 1       Yes. Nice. [pause] But kind of boring.

MAN 2             See, it's not just about nice.

WOMAN 1       Well, it's mostly about nice.

MAN 2             What about Roger from the bank?

WOMAN 1       Don't remind me. He was such an asshole.

MAN 2             And how long did you date him?

WOMAN 1       Two years.

MAN 2             And he wasn't half as nice as Steve.

WOMAN 1       No. But Roger and I connected. In the sack. Steve was everything I wanted Roger to be but Roger was good in bed.

MAN 2             So Roger was an asshole but he got access to the holy of the holies, your bed chambers, and Steve was a nice guy and he got...

WOMAN 1       Three coffee dates.

MAN 2             Nice guys finish last.

WOMAN 1       Not necessarily. Steve was too passive. If he had been a bit more open about his desires, well, things might have been different. If nice guys finish last it's only because they want women to carry them over the finish line. No guts. No glory. You know?

MAN 2             Uh huh.

WOMAN 1       Okay, I admit I'm a bit screwed up. Is that what you want to hear?

MAN 2             No. No. You're normal. I assure you. Men and women are the same. We both want someone who can fuck us in half. The only difference is if men are getting it good in the sack we don't sweat the small details like "Oh, she forgot my birthday." Women want their cake and eat it too.

WOMAN 1       I worry sometimes I'm too picky.

MAN 2             You are picky.

WOMAN 1       I am the hell not.

MAN 2             Yes you are. Remember that guy Tony last year, he was a great guy. He was good looking. He was nice. He owned his own restaurant. He really liked you but you wouldn't so much as give him a chance.

WOMAN 1       Give me a break. The guy was short. He was like five foot seven!

MAN 2             You're five three, in heels! The guy towered over you!

WOMAN 1       So what. I like guys who are taller. That doesn't mean I'm picky.

MAN 2             Oh, please. You're waiting around for the perfect man. And until you meet him, you'll never commit to a good guy, and you'll only bed assholes because they're easy to kick out of bed.

WOMAN 1       You have no idea what you're talking about. The fact is, I have no idea who my perfect man is.

MAN 2             Yes you do. You and all your friends are waiting for the same perfect man.

WOMAN 1       Yeah, right. And who is this perfect man?

MAN 2             His height is between five ten and six one. He's fit. Not scrawny. Not a muscle head. He has a swimmer's body. His hair is dark. His eyes are green. His looks range from cute to handsome. He's definitely not pretty. He dresses well. He looks good in a suit and tie but also knows how to dress casually. He looks good in sweaters and vnecks. He's not 100% perfect, mind you. That would ruin the fun. He leaves room for you to make improvements in his wardrobe. He's career oriented but -- god no -- he's not in computers. He's a lawyer, stock broker, doctor, or owns his own business. He works hard but he doesn't ignore you. He's a terror at work but he's gentle and kind to you at home. For hobbies, he likes camping but he also likes the art gallery. He cooks. He's athletic but he never makes you feel like a lazy slob because you choose periods of inactivity. He plays basketball with his friends after work, but only when you've got a night course. He understands, supports, and encourages you in your hobbies but he doesn't take an active, controlling interest in them. He certainly doesn't take interest in any of your hobbies that might make your mother and all your women friends suspect his masculinity. He'd never pick up knitting. No, ma'am, there can be no doubt that this man is straight. You like to think he's a pervert at times but he knows when to keep it in his pants. He won't walk up to you and start fondling your breasts while you're working on your laptop at home. Sexually he's creative in bed. He knows when to use you for his pleasure and when to slow down and please you. He predicts your needs but doesn't make you think he's predicting your needs. He knows when to give you your space and when to yank you back. He's not controlling but he knows when you need a firm push in the right direction.

WOMAN 1       You think you're so smart but you left out one thing.

MAN 2             What's that?

WOMAN 1       How many children does he want?

MAN 2             He wants zero to two children. If you don't want children, he'd be content being the world's greatest uncle. Children just love him. He makes children laugh and smile. If you want children, he'll take an active role in child rearing but he'd never be a stay-at-home dad.

WOMAN 1       You can be a real asshole sometimes.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             I met this woman. We had coffee. We talked for three hours. That's a good sign, huh?

MAN 2             I guess.

MAN 1             It's got to be!

MAN 2             Great. Let's celebrate. Let's get drunk. You buy.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             [hands covering face, distraught] I don't know what happened...

MAN 2             It flamed out, didn't it? I mean there were so many "good signs"! The phone calls from her at 2 in the morning. The weekly e-cards from her featuring pictures of bears holding balloons and hugging each other. She baked you cookies. She donated you AB negative blood. She kept touching your leg while driving and laughing at everything you said. And then she just dropped off the face of the earth. Later you get an email from her saying she's married a guy in the naval reserve named Eugene and thanks for being such a good friend. What happened? Well, friend, you assumed these "good signs" were good signs. You failed to realize any GOOD SIGN can always be interpreted in the context of her treating you like a good friend. AND NOTHING MORE. Oh, there are bad signs. Those are generally easy to spot and there's lots of 'em. Court orders, calls from her brother the Green Beret telling you to back off, and your ecards to her featuring pictures of bears holding balloons and hugging each other don't get read for 2 weeks and when they do get read you don't even get a "thanks for the card that was so cute!" email back. Yeah. Frankly, friend, there's only one good sign. Full frontal nudity. Anything else, you're just fooling yourself.

MAN 1             Sigh.

MAN 2             Let's get drunk. You buy.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       I am so pissed off.

MAN 2             What now?

WOMAN 1       Me and my boyfriend we're at this Van Morrison concert last night and this group of little high school tramps in front of us took off their tops and spent most of the concert dancing around half naked in their bikini tops.

MAN 2             Tragic.

WOMAN 1       Yeah, my asshole boyfriend spent the whole concert watching them jiggle around. What a bunch of little bitches.

MAN 2             How dare they!

WOMAN 1       I know. I went to the restroom later and one of them was in there smoking up. A bunch of us women gave her the dirtiest looks. Someone hissed "slut" to her back as she walked out. That will learn her.

MAN 2             I don't get it. Why the hostility?

WOMAN 1       Because do you know how disgusting it is to watch your boyfriend ogle some half naked chicks who don't have the decency to dress properly.

MAN 2             You know what's sad about this?

WOMAN 1       What?

MAN 2             Did it ever occur to you instead of calling the girl a slut that you should have smacked your boyfriend and demanded he pay you some proper respect?

WOMAN 1       Like that will ever do any good.

MAN 2             It's a sad state of affairs when women think it easier to change the dressing habits of all women kind than to change the attitude of a single man.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             I've been thinking lately that maybe the best way to meet a woman is to start wearing a wedding ring.

MAN 2             Why not get a cute little dog?

MAN 1             I'm not good with pets.

MAN 2             I know what you mean. They're a lot to take care of.

MAN 1             But a fake wedding band. Slap it on and suddenly the women flock to you.

MAN 2             Why do you suppose that is?

MAN 1             Conventional wisdom dictates it's because you're now a challenge. Women can't have you.

MAN 2             Personally I think it's the opposite. It's not that a wedding ring says a woman can't have you. To a woman a wedding ring means you can't have her.

MAN 1             Huh?

MAN 2             It's like this. I have this woman friend who bedded a few married men she met on the Internet. She was going through one of those confused, libidinous "relationships are a bother but I need sex and lots of it" periods in her life. She preferred married men for short-term sex partners for the simple reason that they would not demand a relationship. They were already in one. She never had to worry about meeting his mother or feeling pressured into ditching her own family over the holidays to spend it with his family. She could see the guy as much or as little as she wanted. She did not have to fret over a birthday or Valentines day present. Sex with someone who was not his wife was gift enough.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       If I ever start talking about meeting another man from the Internet again, please come to my house and tear out my Ethernet card.

MAN 2             You betcha. What happened with this guy?

WOMAN 1       He was married.

MAN 2             How'd you figure that one out?

WOMAN 1       He told me after our second date. The way he said it too was in this "oh yeah, by the way, I'm married" tone of voice. Like "gosh, we're getting along oh so well it's just a small item we can work around." It's as if he forgot to mention up front he likes Country-Western music or something. It's a real shame. He's the best looking guy I ever met from the net.

MAN 2             They say you can meet sane, attractive, single people online. But they'll only ever have two of those qualities.

WOMAN 1       I believe it. What is it with these guys?

MAN 2             There is nothing more dangerous on the face of the earth than a married man. He has nothing to lose but his wife and family.

WOMAN 1       Oh, I can't wait for the day they put marriage registries online.

MAN 2             Someone could make a lot of money opening up an ISP called Married women can then insist their husband only use that ISP.

WOMAN 1       Maybe make it part of the standard marriage vow. "I pledge to love, honor, and only surf the net with"

MAN 2             Here's a radical idea. Next time you chat with a man, simply ask him if he's married

WOMAN 1       He'll lie.

MAN 2             Try this then. Say "are you marred too?" Odds are if the guy is married, he'll think he's found a married woman looking to play and he'll then honestly answer.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             I got the kiss of death from that woman I met at the book store.

MAN 2             Oh no.

MAN 1             She was vicious about it too.

MAN 2             Don't tell me she said --

MAN 1             -- yes --

MAN 2             -- she told you --

MAN 1             -- yes, "let's be friends."

MAN 2             That hurts.

MAN 1             Tell me about it. Third time I got the "let's be friends" line this year.

MAN 2             Sucks.

MAN 1             This time, when she told me we should just be friends, I decided to try something different --

MAN 2             -- you didn't!

MAN 1             I did! I tried to actually be friends with her.

MAN 2             How'd that go?

MAN 1             It didn't.

MAN 2             Alas, in the vast majority of cases when a woman says "let's just be friends" it's the kind of friendship where you don't actually do any friend-like things. It just means "if I see you in a bank line I'll say hello and, as an added bonus, I won't say bad things about you to all the single women I know as long as you make sufficient and demonstrated effort to stay out of my life."

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       If you have sex before you have great passion, the great passion won't happen. I think I shouldn't have had sex with James this early. Maybe I should stop sleeping with him. Build the great passion.

MAN 2             Why did you hump him anyway? [short pause then begins to answer that question himself] Other than he's well built, tall, handsome, dark, mysterious, he has nice hair, he smells nice, he has a deep rumbling voice that reminds you of a powerful ocean tempest but he has the most calming touch, he has eyes so sharp they pierce you, they leave you feeling naked in his gaze, leave you feeling like you may as well bare your beautiful, golden nude body to him as his eyes already see what you work so hard to keep hidden--

WOMAN 1       [cuts MAN 2 off, she is not even listening to him. She's really just talking to herself out loud.] -- I should stop having sex with him.

MAN 2             Wouldn't hurt I suppose

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             When is it too early to send a woman you've been dating flowers?

MAN 2             Have you seen her naked yet?

MAN 1             No.

MAN 2             Then it's too early.

MAN 1             How is that?

MAN 2             It's a rule I have. I can't explain it but every women I've ever given flowers to before I've seen her naked has stopped returning my phone calls.

MAN 1             How many times has this happened?

MAN 2             Four times.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       I don't understand. I can't seem to do anything to win Mark's heart.

MAN 2             What did you do?

WOMAN 1       Everything I could think of.

MAN 2             You had sex with Mark?

WOMAN 1       Of course.

MAN 2             And surprise, when you ask him about the relationship thing he tells you things like he's not ready for a relationship, or his heart has been broken and it's going to take him time to heal, or his parents were divorced and that's given him serious reservations a relationship can ever work, or he questions whether you two are compatible in the long term.

WOMAN 1       Yes, yes, all that.

MAN 2             Basically every time you bring up the subject of you two forming a more perfect, post coital union, he always has a different answer for you?

WOMAN 1       Yeah, odd that.

MAN 2             Look, every time you ask a man the exact same question and he has a different answer for you, he doesn't want to tell you the right answer.

WOMAN 1       And what is the right answer.

MAN 2             He's simply not attracted to you.

WOMAN 1       But I've done everything I can to make myself more attractive to him. I dress more provocatively now. I get him tickets to the game. I bake cookies for him. His mother loves me. I went with him to that "Rollerball" remake for Christ sakes. I laugh at his jokes. He keeps telling me the same stories again and again and I always act like it's the first time I've ever heard it. In bed I act like it's the most amazing sex I've ever had, when in fact he's not quite sure where all my, ummm, buttons are.

MAN 2             Stop right there. I'm going to let you in on the secret of how to win a man's heart.

WOMAN 1       I'm not going to read another one of those self help books. I already read this book called "How to Make a Man Over Come His Fear of Commitment: 12 Steps that Require No Thought on His Part and a Titanic Effort on Your Part". That didn't help at all. What a rip. There were more words on the cover than there were actual words in the book.

MAN 2             My method is easy and you can accomplish it in one step: Give the man you're interested in the faintest impression that he has a dim hope with you. If a man is at all attracted to you, he'll do all the rest. If he's not attracted to you, no effort on your part is ever going to change that fact.

WOMAN 1       That's dumb.

MAN 2             Obvious truth usually seems dumb.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 2             How are things going with your new woman?

MAN 1             Not too bad. We're going clothes shopping next weekend.

MAN 2             Sounds serious. Are you going to be ready when she pops the question?

MAN 1             I don't think I have to worry about the marriage question quite yet. We've only been dating for a month.

MAN 2             No not that question. I'm talking the "Does this dress make me look fat?" question.

MAN 1             Oh yeah. That question. Is any man ever ready?

MAN 2             No. But that doesn't mean you can't be ready. The key is to have ready answers that sound like you're saying something when in fact you're saying nothing at all.

MAN 1             Huh?

MAN 2             Okay suppose your girlfriend gets a new haircut and it looks terrible. She comes into the room. What do you say?

MAN 1             Pretend I don't notice?

MAN 2             WRONG!

MAN 1             Say, "Oh you got a haircut, it looks nice."

MAN 2             WRONG AGAIN. Every woman knows "it looks nice" is code for "it looks bad".

MAN 1             I should be honest then.

MAN 2             [nearly snorts up beer] You're a man, remember. You're incapable of honesty in a relationship. Even when telling the truth is a perfectly serviceable option, a man will still craft a lie. I refer you to my original assertion that you should become practiced at the art of saying things that sound good but say nothing at all.

MAN 1             What should I say?

MAN 2             You say "Wow, honey, you got your hair cut. It looks very fresh."

MAN 1             Fresh?

MAN 2             Yeah. It sounds complimentary without actually saying anything of actual substance. It's non committal. You're really just saying "it looks recently cut" while she can interpret it as you're saying it's bold, sassy, and/or cute.

MAN 1             Okay I can get away with it once, maybe twice, but I can't really pull that trick on a woman all the time. Eventually I'll have to cough up something resembling actual opinion.

MAN 2             When "fresh" doesn't cut it anymore a good tactic is to compare her hairstyle to some 1930s-era woman celebrity with a recognizable name but no easy to recall image. "It's very Josephine Baker!" "It's got that tight, sculptured Myrna Loy look".

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       I've been dating this guy for five months now and I think he's losing interest.

MAN 2             Why do you say that?

WOMAN 1       When we first started dating he used to do more. He'd surprise me with little gifts or he'd send me e-cards with bears holding balloons and hugging each other. He would take me to nice restaurants. Christ, he'd even bother to put on a clean shirt.

MAN 2             See here's one of those differences between men and women that women just don't get. Remember how six months ago you swore up and down you were not at all interested in getting into anything permanent and now the relationship has become the focus of your life? Well, men are the opposite. When your boyfriend was single, he moved heaven and earth to win you and now he treats you like you're as permanent as the underwear his mom bought for him. Men have this big mental check list. "Okay, I have the girlfriend. Sex has been secured. Check! I can now turn my attention to my career and/or my car."

WOMAN 1       Men. You can't change them.

MAN 2             You can. You just have to convince him he's about to lose the single greatest love of his life. If he doesn't believe that about you, then maybe you shouldn't be with him in the first place.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             Ha. You're brilliant. She did it. She popped the question. She asked me "does this dress make my ass look too big?" and I said "No way. It really updates your look while retaining and enhancing that classic Golden Era figure you have that so attracted me in the first place."

MAN 2             What did she do?

MAN 1             At first she looked at me. Then she smiled. Then she kissed me.

MAN 2             Told you. Honesty is never the best policy.

MAN 1             I don't know. I think women appreciate honesty.

MAN 2             They do. To a point. Sometimes you can be too honest.

MAN 1             How is that?

MAN 2             Wait until she pops the next question.

MAN 1             Which question is that?

MAN 2             The masturbation question.

MAN 1             What the hell is that?

MAN 2             It's more like a three-part question. "Do you masturbate?", "How often do you masturbate?", "What do you think about when you masturbate?"

MAN 1             Hrm. Yeah. I can see how one might be a bit hesitant in answering.

MAN 2             Here's where too much honesty can get you into trouble. To the first two questions, I have no problem answering "yes" and "generally every other day unless I'm tired or my ISP's news server is down again". Answering the first two questions honestly can only be a positive thing. It makes you seem open about your sex life. Women like that. It relaxes them. It implies you're not hiding any strange diseases.

MAN 1             So how do you answer "What do you think about when masturbating?"

MAN 2             This is where you have to make a judgment call on the how secure the woman is in herself and her expectations. I mean, honestly, what do you think about when you masturbate. Do you think about her?

MAN 1             Of course... err... well sometimes...

MAN 2             Come on!

MAN 1             Yeah, not really.

MAN 2             Exactly. What you can't tell her is you fantasize about her best friends, your neighbors, your former teachers, the cute red head at Starbucks. You fantasize about what their nipples look like. You fantasize about them looking back at you while you're doing them from behind.

MAN 1             Yes. Yes. It's all true. So what am I supposed to answer?

MAN 2             Usually I say something like "Oh honey, I always think about us doing it in public, like the coatroom of that expensive new French restaurant you want to go to and, hey, while we're on the subject of that expensive restaurant why don't we go there Friday and what shoes do you think you will wear?"

MAN 1             You pay for a lot of meals you don't have to, don't you?

MAN 2             Quite.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

MAN 2             Why so down, my friend?

WOMAN 1       I was talking with my boyfriend. We're pretty open about sexual matters. But he said something that kind of hurt me.

MAN 2             What did he say?

WOMAN 1       I asked him what he thought about when he masturbated.

MAN 2             And what did he answer?

WOMAN 1       He said he thinks about my best friends! And a couple of his former teachers. And some red head at Starbucks. I assumed he thought about me!

MAN 2             [mumbles to self] They always go for the honesty route.

WOMAN 1       What?

MAN 2             I said, honestly that's not so bad.

WOMAN 1       How is that not bad?

MAN 2             He could have said he thinks about that time he was the alter boy and --

WOMAN 1       -- you know, whatever. The point is, if he's not thinking about me, I must be lacking something.

MAN 2             You're not. But remember, this is a sexual fantasy. You're his sexual reality. Do you think about him when you masturbate?

WOMAN 1       Yes, of course.

MAN 2             Really?

WOMAN 1       Sure. I think it's him. It's usually dark. He comes at me from behind and takes me. Sometimes he comes from the side. Out of a dark alley.

MAN 2             That's what you think about? It's dark and a man takes you?

WOMAN 1       It's not about the visuals. It's about the feelings and the method.

MAN 2             The method how he takes you?

WOMAN 1       The method in which I choose to masturbate that night.

MAN 2             Ah, yes. The method. This is why men have to have such varied and vivid masturbation fantasies. Women have so many different methods of masturbation they don't have to work so hard on their actual fantasies to keep it all interesting. It's like women have bath taps, shower massagers, various devices that vibrate, pillows, other people's legs, grocery products, the back of their boyfriend's motorcycle, repeated crossing and uncrossing of the legs. Men have one and only one approved method. Their right hand. In fact, the use of anything else like a woman's shoe filled with hand lotion, a watermelon with a hole, or a specially modified vacuum cleaner attachment is considered a perversion.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 2             Why so down, my friend?

MAN 1             I was talking with my friend Nadia. She's a mutual friend of my ex-girlfriend Angela. Angela broke the cardinal rule. She broke the great sacred trust between ex's!

MAN 2             What?

MAN 1             She told Nadia what I was like in bed.

MAN 2             You're always telling me what current and ex girlfriends are like in bed.

MAN 1             That's different.

MAN 2             Oh right.

MAN 1             Yeah, I never say anything bad.

MAN 2             Oh dear. She said something bad?

MAN 1             Yeah. She told my friend I was "mechanical" in bed.

MAN 2             Mechanical?

MAN 1             Yes. Mechanical.

MAN 2             [pause] That's not so bad.

MAN 1             How can that not be bad?

MAN 2             Maybe what she's saying is you were mechanical as in "technically perfect".

MAN 1             [pause] Yeah. Technically perfect.

MAN 2             In fact, if you think about it, mechanical things are machines. So being mechanical means you're a machine. Your ex is really saying in bed, you're a machine. Dude, you're a sex machine.

MAN 1             I knew it all along.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       I'm so pissed off.

MAN 2             What now?

WOMAN 1       I'm not entirely sure. I'm either pissed off because I have to admit you're right or I'm pissed off at Mark.

MAN 2             I thought you broke up with him.

WOMAN 1       I did. I couldn't stand his inattentiveness. But now he seems to want me back big time. He calls me every day. He flirts with me over email. He's always trying to buy me lunch. When I was throwing myself at him, I was lucky if he granted me a movie date every other Saturday night and a lunch every third Wednesday. Now that I've ditched him, it seems like nothing would make him happier than to spend every day with me. What the hell is up with that?

MAN 2             Men in relationships are like fruit trees. If they think they have all the time in the world, the relationship will never bear fruit. Sometimes you have to prune them back a bit.

WOMAN 1       I have a similar saying.

MAN 2             What's that?

WOMAN 1       Men in relationships act like idiots.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       How do I get rid of him?

MAN 2             Who?

WOMAN 1       Mark. The guy I liked but he wouldn't give me the time of day until I broke it off with him. This is getting ridiculous. You'd think he would take a hint after I didn't return four of his phone calls. Why does he want me back?

MAN 2             He doesn't want you back, per se. He wants the attention back.

WOMAN 1       He's getting no attention. But more I ignore him, more he keeps going out of his way to make me think he really likes me. Maybe he's changed. Maybe I should take him back.

MAN 2             Bad idea. The moment you pay attention to him again, he'll go back to ignoring you. He's only trying to prove to himself he's irresistible to all women. That you can resist him, this is glaring evidence to the contrary. So he has to prove you're the one who is mistaken, not him.

WOMAN 1       What can I do to drive him off?

MAN 2             Sleep with his best friend.

WOMAN 1       Not my style.

MAN 2             Your options are limited, then.

WOMAN 1       What if I tell him I met someone else.

MAN 2             That won't work. He'll just work twice as hard to steal you away.

WOMAN 1       His best friend isn't that bad looking, come to think of it.

MAN 2             There is one way. Whenever he calls, just keep talking about some new guy in your life. Talk about how handsome he is, and how well he dresses, and all the romantic things he does. No man will put up with that for long.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 2             Did you see that graffiti in the bathroom?

MAN 1             The one that said if you're in this stall Tuesday at 7 pm you should tap your foot twice for oral servicing?

MAN 2             No. The one written above the right urinal that said "I want to fuck Britney Spears".

MAN 1             Oh yeah. That one.

MAN 2             It occurred to me just now that, aside from stating the obvious -- yes most men want to sleep with young attractive blonde women -- isn't this fellow setting his standards a little high? I mean I want to bed the red head at Starbucks but I think my chances are slim to none.

MAN 1             I guess if you're going to dream, dream big.

MAN 2             Well, then I'd dream about a Calvin Klein women's underwear model.

MAN 1             You know what pisses me off? Those CK women's underwear model bus shelter ads. How can a scantly clad waif model in underwear be effective at selling panties to women? Wouldn't that just turn a woman off, present her with a bodily ideal she can never attain?

MAN 2             You sure that pisses you off there, Susan Faludi?

MAN 1             Actually, they're kind of sexy ads. It's really just an unwelcome, nagging reminder of the hot sex I'm missing out on.

MAN 2             See, here you've tapped into the appeal of those ads. Those ads aren't directly selling underwear to women. They're trying to reprogram your male sexual response.

MAN 1             Huh?

MAN 2             It's like this. Every time a man sees those ads, he gets a small sexual thrill. One day he's making love with his girlfriend and she's wearing CK panties. His love making is just a little more passionate. Eventually she makes the connection between the panties and his heightened sexual response so she buys more.

MAN 1             That's crap. Ads don't influence me.

MAN 2             And I guess advertising is a 20 billion dollar a year industry because it doesn't influence anyone.

MAN 1             I didn't say that. I'm sure advertising works on most people. What I said was it doesn't influence me.

MAN 2             Everyone thinks advertising affects everyone else but them. It's like the individual drop of water never thinks it's the cause of the flood. Let me put your notion of advertising immunity to rest. How much tooth paste do you use in the morning on your brush?

MAN 1             I dunno. The right amount. The length of the brush.

MAN 2             Then you, my friend, are a victim of advertising! Most people squeezed out enough toothpaste to cover their entire brush. However, no dentist would instruct a patient to use that much toothpaste. Any dentist will tell you you needed no more than a pea-sized dollop to prevent tooth decay. So why do people use four times as much toothpaste as needed? Quite simply toothpaste ads all showed fully covered bristles.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       Drink up. I'm buying the next round.

MAN 2             Hello. What's the occasion?

WOMAN 1       It's my six month anniversary with Bryan.

MAN 2             You've been dating someone for half a year?

WOMAN 1       No. It's been six months since the love of my life dumped me.

MAN 2             Tragic.

WOMAN 1       Tragic, upsetting, and different.

MAN 2             Different?

WOMAN 1       Yeah, different. Hence the reason I need to drink. He didn't leave me for another woman. He left me for a guy.

MAN 2             Get out.

WOMAN 1       He went to Vancouver for a month, came back, and announced he was gay.

MAN 2             Strike Vancouver off my travel plans.

WOMAN 1       I'm trying to be serious. I don't know who to talk to. When your boyfriend dumps you for another woman, there's at least a cultural infrastructure to help you deal with it. There're Ingrid Bergman movies you can rent; there're Tori Amos CDs you can listen to. When a guy leaves you for another guy, there's nothing in society that tells you how to feel, how to act, how to get revenge.

MAN 2             Just send him a postcard with "I'm late" written on it. Don't sign it.

WOMAN 1 puts her head down

MAN 2             [Reaches out and strokes her hair in a reassuring friendly matter] There there. Forget him. He's gone.

WOMAN 1       That's the problem. He IS GONE. Normally when a guy dumps you there's a faint-hope transition period. You've got a couple weeks to work on a new hair style or find a short skirt that might bring him back. All what I have is an immediate sense of closure.

MAN 2             Don't worry about closure. It's an over used term anyway.

WOMAN 1       How do you mend a broken heart?

MAN 2             I just try to forget her.

WOMAN 1       How do you forget her?

MAN 2             Find new love.

WOMAN 1       Hair of the dog?

MAN 2             It's the only way. When I'm in a new relationship, my ex-girlfriend could be making porno films with my best friend and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. But until I find new love, hardly a moment goes by that I don't think of her, where it went wrong, and the jobless loser she tossed me over for.

WOMAN 1       Isn't that what all you men want? Your ex's to regret tossing you over and fall in with some loser bum?

MAN 2             No. Personally I'd feel better if she tossed me over for a brain surgeon or an F-14 pilot. You know, someone who can give her something I can't.

WOMAN 1       It's very noble of you to wish her happiness.

MAN 2             It has nothing to do with that. Heck I'd feel better if she got hit by a truck right after she stormed out of my place. But if she falls in with Mr. Zero, that just means I'm less than zero.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             Drink up. I'm buying the next round.

MAN 2             Don't tell me your girlfriend just left you for another woman?

MAN 1             What?

MAN 2             Never mind.

MAN 1             I'm going to do a bit of power drinking tonight. I'm stressed. My ex-girlfriend called me this weekend.

MAN 2             Oh. Rough. What did you guys talk about?

MAN 1             We didn't talk. She just left a message on my answering machine. It's like I haven't seen or heard from her in four months and she just up 'n' calls and says "I've just gotten back from a trip to Iceland. Call me."

MAN 2             Did you call her?

MAN 1             Not yet. I'm not sure what to say.

MAN 2             Trust me on this one. Don't call her back. Delete the message.

MAN 1             Why? What harm could come from talking to her?

MAN 2             It could only lead to harm.

MAN 1             But I have no idea why she's calling me.

MAN 2             Regardless of her end game, it's a no win situation for you.

MAN 1             Explain.

MAN 2             There are three possible cases. Case one: She wants to see you once. She wants to show you photographs of her trip and have you ask her intelligent questions, the kind her dip-head friends wouldn't ask, and then she buggers off and you're alone again. The result: heartbreak. Case two, she wants to be friends. So, great, a woman you're accustomed to seeing naked suddenly wants to be your bestest friend. Every time you're out with her, you're sitting across from her thinking to yourself "I know what your nipples look like." The result: heartbreak. Case three: she realizes breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of her life. No one ever treated her as nicely as you did. Those blonde, blue eyed, athletic, slender Icelandic men just wanted to do her Viking style. Maybe she's now thinking: What did I give up? Maybe we can try just a little bit harder. Maybe we can try just a little more passion. Reality check: No one ever changes. You're just back into the same unworkable crap that broke you apart. The result: Heartbreak. The logical course of action is to press the delete button no matter how painfully lonely you are.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       I'm in a bit of a moral quandary.

MAN 2             Why?

WOMAN 1       The network guy at my work just got married.

MAN 2             Were you having an affair with him?

WOMAN 1       Not a chance. That guy's creeped me out from day one.

MAN 2             So what's the moral quandary?

WOMAN 1       Normally when a coworker gets married, I'm in charge of organizing a little cake-and-wine office party to commemorate the event. I usually enjoy that sort of thing but I'm not sure I can work up much excitement about this marriage.

MAN 2             Did he marry his sister?

WOMAN 1       If only. He married a Russian mail order bride he ordered up from some web site.

MAN 2             Ah, the depravity men are willing to sink to.

WOMAN 1       It's very unsettling for some strange reason.

MAN 2             It's unsettling because the mail order bride industry upsets the balance of power in Western style male/female relationships. Women hold all the power until they fall in love.

WOMAN 1       It's simply not right that any man with appliances and central heating can be irresistibly sexy to a nation of young, tall, thin blonde women.

MAN 2             Is she tall, thin, and blonde?

WOMAN 1       Yes. She's 19. She has short blonde hair and dazzling green eyes. She has one of those slim figures that make me hate her on sight and one of those perky Hollywood noses that make me want to string piano wire in her path while she jogs at night. To look at her you'd think she was a model or an Israeli prime minister's wife. Apparently in Russia she was a teacher. Apparently they are all teachers. [pause] Promise me you'll never get a mail order bride.

MAN 2             I promise. I'd like to think I'm capable of finding a woman within 2 time zones of home. Even if I couldn't I'm convinced a love that's meant to last a life time should have a good first meeting story. I can't imagine my daughter asking her mom one day how her and daddy met and her mom having to answer "well, daddy was very lonely and drunk one night but managed to enter my order number into a secure server page..."

WOMAN 1       I feel sorry for her, having to marry a disgusting 55-year-old creep like the smelly old network guy to escape poverty.

MAN 2             Tragic. My heart goes out to her. But you know, if I could save one leggy 19 year old blonde from having to marry some old creep by marrying her myself, I mean morality dictates I'd have to do it. Wouldn't I?

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and MAN 1

MAN 1             So I've got a new girlfriend. And we're thinking of moving in together.

MAN 2             Great.

MAN 1             Yeah. There's one small problem.

MAN 2             Of course.

MAN 1             Yeah. She's a bit young.

MAN 2             How old is she?

MAN 1             19.

MAN 2             How old are you?

MAN 1             32.

MAN 2             Uh huh.

MAN 1             But she's very mature. And as they say age doesn't matter.

MAN 2             But it does matter.

MAN 1             How so?

MAN 2             I don't care how mature a woman is at 19. You're a world apart in terms of life experiences and expectations. Do you think any 19-year-old woman is ready to settle down, enter your 9-5 world, and nest with you?

MAN 1             For sure, we've discussed it. She goes to university. She plans to be a doctor. She needs to study a lot and she'll appreciate the stability.

MAN 2             She'll appreciate it until she talks with her other female friends. Suddenly stability will start to seem boring to her.

MAN 1             What do you mean?

MAN 2             No matter what she thinks now, her single friends will always provide her a "grass is always greener on the other side" example. Think about Monday morning when they compare their weekend activities over coffee. Her friends are like "oh my god we had the best time we totally got shit faced at this pub and then met these totally gorgeous Navy pilots and we all got kicked out of the bar because the Navy guys started beating up any other guy that looked at us and we were so drunk we had wild animal sex behind the bar in a trash dumpster and then they took us for a ride on the back of their motorcycles and we like totally peeled out because I think a truck hit us and I lost most of the skin on this leg but it didn't hurt because I was so drunk! It was the wildest time! We're meeting them again next weekend and they're going to take us rock climbing or skydiving or something." Then they turn to your girlfriend and ask her what you guys did and she answers "Oh we order pizza, anchovies on half, watched Survivor on tape, and then went to bed at 10 pm." Trust me, in 6 months time, you'll stop seeming "stable" and you'll start seeming boring. Pretty soon every time she experiences the least bit of ennui, you'll get blamed. "You're so boring! All you ever want to do is go to movies and restaurants! We never have sex in trash dumpsters! We never get drunk and break into houses! You're so boring! BORING BORING!"

MAN 1             So, like, I should isolate her from her friends then?

MAN 2             Even if that were possible, you have to accept a 19-year-old is a walking ball of anxiety about the future. As certain cusps in her life approach -- like the end of school, med school applications, the start of a career, not to mention fertility issues -- she'll start to freak out, reexamine her life, and begin to worry that others only three or ten years older than her are so much further ahead than her. After she asks herself what she has managed to accomplish lately, she'll turn her thoughts to you and begin to wonder exactly what you have done for her lately. She'll begin to ask herself "Why am I always the one suggesting things? Why do I always have to push him to try new things like vegetarian food or Julia Roberts films? Why do I always have to take the lead in this relationship?" One night you'll wake up at 3 am and find her reorganizing the sweater drawer mumbling to herself that her mother is coming over on the weekend and that's the first place her mom will look. And then -- and then my friend -- she'll realize the solution to this pitiful life she's living is to completely change everything in her life. And she'll start with you. She'll dump you. If she can accomplish a task as difficult as jettisoning a man who has real feelings for her, she can do anything. Secure in the knowledge she can affect real change in her life, she'll begin and end her campaign of life changes with you.

MAN 1             Ugg!

MAN 2             Wash, rinse, repeat.

Spot lights go dark then fade up on MAN 2 and WOMAN 1

WOMAN 1       It's not entirely true that all the good ones are either married or gay.

MAN 2             Oh found a good one who's straight and single?

WOMAN 1       Yes. But the problem is he's a coworker. So that rules him out.

MAN 2             Why?

WOMAN 1       It's unethical. I'd never date a coworker. What happens when you break up? It causes way too many problems on the job.

MAN 2             I'd have no ethical reservations about dating a coworker as long as I was getting into the relationship with the honest belief that the relationship was going to last longer than either of our jobs at that company. I think what's wrong is when people just start dating a coworker because there is no one else available at the moment.

WOMAN 1       I still won't date a coworker. I have standards.

MAN 2             I wish I had standards.

WOMAN 1       I'm sure you do.

MAN 2             No. I don't.

WOMAN 1       I'm quite certain there are a lot of women you would not date. I'm positive you would never date a stripper.

MAN 2             You're right. I want a smart, kind woman. I want a woman who challenges me to think, to see the world through her eyes. I want a woman who values in me what I value in myself. I want a woman who will cherish me as much as I cherish her. In sum, I'd NEVER date a stripper, unless she asked me....

WOMAN 1       You're right. You really don't have standards.

MAN 2             The sad fact is, men don't have standards. We have aspirations, but we pretty much will take whatever comes along.

WOMAN 1       Pig!

MAN 2             I want to walk into a room and have women come up to me and thrust their phone numbers and body parts into my hands. I want women to melt under my gaze and my touch. I want to date young, up-and-coming porn stars. But I'll never have that, so I have to be happy with what I have.


Play Home Page | About | Act II

The Man 2 Dialogs: Dating Explained in 3 Acts s




By Karl Mamer

(c) 2003


[Help Spread Karl]





If you found this site via Google using the search term "I want to fuck Britney Spears", please note this site will provide you no help whatsoever finding a way to fuck Britney Spears or even finding girls who look like Britney Spears and are willing to fuck you. All I can offer you is the suggestion that you wash more often.