Low-Impact, No-Bounce Church of Latter Day Oat Brand
mostly written by The Lance's editorial cartoonist Kristen Palmer.
Points for trying. The joke seemed to be predicated on "garlic
breath". I did what I could to rescue it by naming the church
"Low-Impact, No-Bounce Church of Latter Day Oat Brand
Consciousness", stitching in the conspiracy aspect, and giving it a sort
of California feel. The "latter day" appellation
was a nod to our friend The Big, Mean, and Evil Mr. Dave.
Dave was/is/will be a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). A
fascinating if verbosely named faith. They have many cultic wonky ideas but
so is transubstantiation.
I used to hang with Dave and his Mormon buddies and I always found them to be
the most Christian people I ever met. They were friendly, believed in
having a good time, family oriented, welcoming, and most of all they weren't
preachy. They sort of led by example. "This is what we believe but if
you believe something different, well, cool. But this makes us happy and
prosperous. Ever wanna talk, I'm here." You know?
were a bit of a curiosity in Windsor, being a heavily Catholic city.
People would ask Dave about his religion and he'd start telling them about
Mormon heaven and its utter lack of hell.
hell?" they would asked.
We have three different levels of heaven," Dave would explain.
"Each is more beautiful and heavenly than the lower one. Depending on
how good you were in life, you go to one of those three levels of heaven.
Your punishment for not being so good is having to see the higher levels and
knowing you could have attainted that."
would at first sort of go "Awww" and crow about what a kinder,
gentler enlightened religion it was. Then they would all make an intuitive
You're saying even Hitler is in heaven?"
when they would tune Dave out. They couldn't accept a religion that did not
at least have a hell for Hitler.