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Low-Impact, No-Bounce Church of Latter Day Oat Brand Consciousness



An ad mostly written by The Lance's editorial cartoonist Kristen Palmer. Points for trying. The joke seemed to be predicated on "garlic breath". I did what I could to rescue it by naming the church "Low-Impact, No-Bounce Church of Latter Day Oat Brand Consciousness", stitching in the conspiracy aspect, and giving it a sort of California feel. The "latter day" appellation was a nod to our friend The Big, Mean, and Evil Mr. Dave. Dave was/is/will be a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). A fascinating if verbosely named faith. They have many cultic wonky ideas but so is transubstantiation. I used to hang with Dave and his Mormon buddies and I always found them to be the most Christian people I ever met. They were friendly, believed in having a good time, family oriented, welcoming, and most of all they weren't preachy. They sort of led by example. "This is what we believe but if you believe something different, well, cool. But this makes us happy and prosperous. Ever wanna talk, I'm here." You know?


Mormons were a bit of a curiosity in Windsor, being a heavily Catholic city. People would ask Dave about his religion and he'd start telling them about Mormon heaven and its utter lack of hell.


"No hell?" they would asked.


"Yeah. We have three different levels of heaven," Dave would explain. "Each is more beautiful and heavenly than the lower one. Depending on how good you were in life, you go to one of those three levels of heaven. Your punishment for not being so good is having to see the higher levels and knowing you could have attainted that."


People would at first sort of go "Awww" and crow about what a kinder, gentler enlightened religion it was. Then they would all make an intuitive leap.


"Wait. You're saying even Hitler is in heaven?"




That's when they would tune Dave out. They couldn't accept a religion that did not at least have a hell for Hitler.


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