Shit, this was a fun one to write. It
is, of course, a parody of the famous correlation between the Dow
Industrial Average and women's hemlines. Higher the Dow, higher women's
hemlines. As the Dow (and the economy) drops, women become more
conservative in dress and their hemlines plunge.
Tom Vu was this very FOBish Vietnamese
guy that would run all these offensive infomercials offering to teach
people to be as rich (and presumably as offensively tasteless) as him. The
secret (which I give to you for free and not for $500) was to buy
distressed properties (homes people had to sell quickly because they were
getting divorced) at low prices and then quickly flip the sale for fair
market value. Almost no one ever makes money this way as if you go to a
bank and say "I'd like to borrow $70,000 to buy a $120,000 house so I
can sell it a day later for a 50K profit" the bank is going to say
"ummm no you have a shitty credit rating and unpaid phone bills"
and they'll buy the house themselves for 70K and then flip it. The only way
you can do this sort of thing is if you actually have loads of cash on
hand, which you don't because you're a waitress and you spent your last
$500 on Tom Vu's seminars. Sorry.