Zen for the Hot and Bothered, a reading from the book
of the Brow Beaten
The Story of
David and Goliath
This my guess at the story of David and Goliath. It is figured the
Philistines mustered their troops for war. They assembled all of their
spearmen, shield carriers, brave charioteers perched atop their Soviet built
T-34 war buggies, and of course they had a very young and virile Walter
Cronkite with them.
Saul and the Israelites also mustered their troops for war. Yet there was
much disarray amongst his men for they wondered who would get to carry the
sword. Israel didn't have the USA to supply them with cluster bombs in those
days so they had to make their sword go a long way.
One of the Philistine shock troopers stepped out from the ranks. He stood six
cubits high, which is metric for six arm lengths. On his head he wore a
bronze helmet, mostly because of recent laws requiring him to do so. On his
chest he wore a great breastplate of bronze weighing 5,000 shekels, which is
metric for heavy. He had bronze greaves on his legs. On his left arm, which
was the size of Emmanuel Lewis, he carried a great bronze shield. The armored
giant's name was Goliath Bo and he only wore all that stuff for effect. He
was no fool. He had seen all the Hollywood movies where the knight decked out
from head to toe in plate metal gets dropped from a single ax blow. The only
thing Goliath Bo really needed was his M60 air-cooled, belt-fed spear
thrower, capable of pumping out 500 bronze javelins a minute.
Now Goliath Bo took his stand in front of the Israeli ranks, who were
hurriedly passing the sword up to the front.
He shouted (Sylvester Stallone 'yo, Adrian' voice), "I
want my country to love me as much as I love my country."
With that the Israeli army quaked in fear.
Now Saul was in his tent, bravely putting on a woman's dress and strapping on
some children. He called out to the Israeli army for a hero to challenge the
giant, but no one came forward.
It so happened that the young David had come that day to Saul's camp to bring
his brothers some shawls and pantyhose. He heard Goliath Bo's challenge.
A cavalry officer missing one leg because he had bent it up behind his back
to appear helpless hobbled up to David and said "Dude, have you seen the
size of that guy? Whoever among us defeats the great uncircumcised pagan will
have lavished upon him untold wealth and will get to marry the king's
David liked the idea of getting a lot of money but he had seen papyrus
drawings of the king's daughter and knew she wasn't worth risking getting cut
in half for.
"I don't know if I can kill him, but if I can convince him to get
circumcised, you think the king would let me get off with just the cash?"
"Probably not," answered the cavalry officer as he hobbled away,
adding in a really bad hacking cough to discourage anyone from getting the
idea of cleaving his head in two with a pike.
David knew it was all for nothing. He went to the tent of Saul. Saul was
sashaying and curtsying and saying things like "Oh Mr. Philistine killer
you're so kind to let a gentle lady pass by unfettered."
David announced his arrival. The king looked stunned. He looked at David and
said, "oh you're probably wondering about the dress. It's a present I
picked up in Canaan for my wife. We're roughly the same size. Just making
sure it will fit her."
David spake unto his king. "Great Saul, I wish to challenge this Goliath
Bo and win the hand of your daughter and of course I wouldn't refuse a chest
full of gold."
But Saul answered David. "You cannot go and fight him. I cannot by all
that is honorable under God's eyes let a mere boy go while my brave men stand
by. Unless of course your mind is really set on it. Then there's not much I
can do about talking your out of it. Right?"
The king ordered his armorers to bring the sword, which had become something
of a hot potato, not really fitting in with the skirt, blouse, and high
heeled battle dress the Israeli army had slipped into.
David took the sword but it was too heavy. "I cannot fight with such a
weapon," he said. He gave the sword back to the king, who had his
armorers go bury it, so that it might seem like there never was a single
armed soldier in this newly founded camp of nursing mothers.
With only a sling in hand, David went down to the stream and found four
smooth stones and one strange one shaped like a pineapple with a pin sticking
out of it. It was such an unusual stone he decided he would try not to use it
during the battle. He would add it to his rock collection back home.
Now Goliath Bo came out again from the Philistine ranks to make his challenge
known. This time he was faced by David. The great uncircumcised giant
bellowed loudly and cursed David by his gods and said things like
"Uhhhhh yeah? You and what platoon of Moabites? Ha!"
Well, David had had enough. The crack about the Moabites was the straw that
broke the camel's back. David replied to Goliath's challenge by tossing a
stone at him.
The stone bounced off of Goliath Bo's breast plate. It took awhile for
Goliath Bo to get over the surprise that his armor had actually protected him
from an attack and he answered back with a blazing torrent of spear fire.
"Christ!" David exclaimed as he ducked behind a boulder. He loaded
up his sling and fired a second time.
The rock bounced off of Goliath Bo's helmet again. Goliath Bo fired off the
last 10 spears from his M60 and paused to reload.
This gave David time to call to the Israeli lines for a dress. But no one
came forward. They were all too busy trying to look helpless. David loaded up
his third stone and this time tried to aim for Goliath Bo's vulnerable spots,
knowing even a clean head shot probably would have had little effect. This
time David's stone bounced off of Goliath Bo's shield. The uncircumcised
giant resumed his hail of scathing spear throwing.
David shot his fourth stone but it dropped short of Goliath Bo, who was
getting pretty bored of shooting at the boulder David was hiding behind. The
giant pulled out his great sword and decided to walk over to David and render
him in two by hand.
David saw the shooting had stopped. He reached down to his pouch and drew out
his final stone, the strange pineapple shaped one. He looked out from behind
the boulder and saw Goliath Bo casually walking towards him. David took aim
with his sling but decided that if he had to use this strange stone, he
should at least save the pin, which ended in a rather attractive looking ring.
So David pulled out the pin and slung the rock at Goliath Bo. The rock made a
strange metallic clanking sound as it bounced off of Goliath Bo's greaves and
it fell to the ground afore him. David was about to run for the nearest
maternity store when he heard the winds rush like stallions. Goliath Bo was
consumed in a pillar of fire.
"Christ," thought David, "spontaneous human combustion. What
When the Philistine army saw the young Israeli boy had the power to turn
their champion into fire they ran. The Israeli army, with new-found bravery,
threw off their dresses, dug up the sword, and pursued the Philistines across
the desert, forcing them into the sea where they all drowned.
This had been my guess at the story of David and Goliath.