Alien Nation
Bank on it!
Devil in a blue helmet

Conspiracy Primer






Things were better when the Soviet Union stood poised to steam roll Europe with 100 divisions of hardened Hun killers. It was so obvious to Americans who was behind all their political, economic, and personal troubles. The Commies. They gave America rock 'n' roll, plastic, fluoridated water, cradle-to-grave social programs, gun control, health care, psychotherapy, food court malls, and a thousand other things that not only made their lives easier but made it easier for the Commies to march in and take over without firing a shot.

A funny thing happened on the way to the end of the Millennium: The USSR collapsed and split up. In hindsight people in the West wonder how they could have actually been frightened of the Ruskies. A nation that could not transport more than 10% of its crops to market unspoiled did not seem to be up to the job of moving half-a-million conscripts through the Fulda gap.



To really put the boot in, the US military demonstrated in the Gulf what it always planned for in the Rhineland: a force outnumbered three to one could still whip a million man army in a matter of days as long as it was comprised of young pups who firmly believed that "grunt" was best job they were ever going to get in an early '90s recession-plagued economy. It helped that there was $30 billion in Nintendo military gadgetry to provide a touch of backup, but it really was the thought that counted.

After the fall of the USSR, many a troubled conspiracy theorist had to revise his world view. Not a whole lot, initially. For many, it was just another crafty Soviet plot. But, reluctantly, most had to join the paradigm shift.

With one major player down, who is left on the world domination playing field?


Spend a couple weeks on Usenet's newsgroup alt.conspiracy and all will be revealed to you. Americans themselves are collectively to blame. Government officials elected to office are conspiring to create a One World Government.

The mileage varies on the hows and whys, but the alt.conspiracy crowd tends to break it down thusly :

1) international bankers, 2) politicians in league with space aliens, 3) the Antichrist, or 4) a combination of the above three are trying to push North America into chaos. Once they push things conveniently out-of-control, a state of emergency will be declared. Guns will be confiscated. True Patriots will be herded into concentration camps in Alaska and Oklahoma. Finally, the UN, the Mescaloids from the Galactic Federation, and/or the Legions of Hell will waltz in and set up shop -- all without firing a shot!

Let's examine what the conspiracy buffs have to say about each of these three theories.


A super-secret government within the government called MJ-12 (aka Majestic-12) has been presiding over the "alien question" since the days of President Eisenhower (some say Truman). MJ-12 has been keeping all sorts of stuff from the American people: alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and crashed saucers. If that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of secret deals were cut with one or more alien races. The theory goes that rapid technological advancements since the '50s came not from the billions of dollars spent on the arms and space race, but from donated technology from space men. Face it: Humans were not smart enough to build the pyramids and they were not smart enough to build Saturn V rockets.


You're probably asking, "So what did we have to give up to get all that tech?" Apparently, America traded cattle anuses for Pentium chips. Sounds like a good deal, but it really isn't. Some figure all these cattle mutilations and abductions are really an attempt to turn humans into breeding stock for some inbred aliens. (This inbreeding theory may account for why the UFOs are always grabbing moonshine-drinking yahoos with an affinity for farm animals.)

Can America put a stop to this? Not a chance, according to Milton William Cooper, an alleged former intelligence man with the U.S. government. If the secret should get out, Cooper says MJ-12 has a plan to round up all sorts of people and pack them into concentration camps. He also says JFK was about to blow the whole lid off the alien thing and had to be bumped off.


Apparently, a "free-market economy" isn't good enough for the international bankers. Although CEOs continually gripe about "government meddling" and donate large wads of cash to fervently anti-Communist political parties, this is actually an act. In truth, a dozen rich families, led by the money lenders and industrialists, are secretly planning a one world communist regime. The problem with living in a "free society" is consumers are free not to buy things. This must end.


The road block to forced consumerism is the United States -- but not the entire United States. The intellectual elite, the Feds, the media, and a bunch of others sold out long ago. Anyone who doesn't acknowledge The Conspiracy is part of it.

America's freedom rests solely in the hands of the good ol' boys militias. These are the same good ol' boys who sat patiently with shotgun over knee outside their Florida trailer homes awaiting the Cuban hordes to storm the beaches. Occasionally they would pick off a trade student who rang the wrong doorbell. But all that was before the "information economy" made the fact that you could sweat-and-grunt a less marketable skill.

While the New Economy seems to have no need for unskilled labor, the good ol' boys found their own uses. They've formed citizen militias and now run through Michigan forests drilling for the day when The Government declares Marshal Law -- when UN forces will pour out of secret bases in U.S. National Parks and round up all True Patriots, take their guns, and put in them concentration camps.


There's no mention of North America in the Bible -- but that doesn't seem to faze many Christian fundamentalists who believe everything that's going wrong in North America is evidence of the "end times." Before the end, the Devil is going to incorporate the USA and Canada into a one world government and run the ship of state with the Antichrist as Maximum Leader. The Faithful (well, maybe not the most religious because they're going to vanish during The Rapture) are going to resist to the end.

That all of this is pre-ordained (translation: there's not a thing you can do to change it) doesn't seem to bother many American Christians who are stocking up on guns and bags of fertilizer. Satan isn't much worried about a few exploding cube vans, however. Since even Christians have to eat, the Devil is going to inject a microchip into the butts of his 5 billion best buddies. Only those with this little chip (i.e., the Mark of the Beast) are going to be able to buy stuff. "Refusechips" who stay faithful to God are going to be put in camps.

Why the camps, you ask? Simple. They need to be kept from getting under foot in the Holy Land. The Russians and Chinese are going to invade a strip of turf called Armageddon with 200 million troops. The battle of Armageddon is going to make Kursk look like a slap fight between two frat boys who locked bumpers on the highway. Before all sides let go with their nukes (nukes Reagan once mused would be needed to fight the anti-Christ) Jesus will come back and reign for a thousand years.

Christians seem to be silent on what happens after that thousand year period...


* * *




Support this site buy a funky bumpersticker


A Steve Jackons Games
Illuminated Site of
the Week - September 26, 1997


Illuminated Site of the Week









1 1